My Evil Twin: Slowly picking me apart

Shedding light on the Shi'at existence in Saudi Arabia

2006-12-21T21:34:00.000-08:00

I had to share this.

A lot of educating information about the shee3ah and their struggle in Saudi Arabia, ( the ones we are not supposed to recognize as humans wtf) in this transcript. Hope it promotes better understanding among those who simply don't know.

Saudi Shi'ites: New light on an old divide
Interview by Mahan Abedin

Fouad Ali al-Ibrahim was born in Safwa, eastern Saudi Arabia, in 1960. He joined the Islamic Revolution Organization in 1980 and served in its central committee until 1993. Currently, Ibrahim is a leading member of the National Coalition for Democracy in Saudi Arabia and continues to oppose the Saudi regime from London. From 1988-90 Ibrahim was on the editorial team of Al-Thawrah al-Islamiyah (The Islamic Revolution) and from 1991-93 he was the
editor of Al-Jazeera al-Arabiyah (The Arabian Peninsula). Both publications belonged to the Shi'ite opposition. Ibrahim is the author of The Shi'ites of Saudi Arabia (Saqi, 2006). He holds a PhD in Near and Middle Eastern Studies from London's School of Oriental and African Studies.

Mahan Abedin: How do you account for the rise of Saudi Shi'ite political consciousness in the modern era?

Fouad Ibrahim: The main factor was the relationship between the Shi'ites and the Saudi state. This relationship has never been based on anything even remotely resembling the concept of modern citizenship. It has always been based on the concepts of forced annexation and extreme oppression. This is why the Shi'ites have never felt part of the Saudi state. This goes back to the foundation of the first Saudi state in the middle of the 18th century

MA: So basically the historic Shi'ite narrative in the peninsula revolves around oppression and alienation?

FI: Yes, but there is also an external factor relating to the flooding of foreign workers to the Eastern Province, many of whom worked for Arabian-American Oil Company (Aramco). These foreign Arab workers imported Arab nationalist ideology to the Eastern Province and managed to win over the loyalties of many local Shi'ites. They contributed to the development of Shi'ite political consciousness. In fact the Shi'ites of the Eastern Province have constituted the base for many opposition movements in the region.

MA: Has the area now known as the Eastern Province been Shi'ite since the beginning of Islamic history?

FI: Yes! Actually Shi'ism has been the most indigenous form of Islam in the region. It was the Shi'ites of our region that traveled to Iraq and Iran and won over many converts to their faith. For instance Sheikh Ibrahim al-Qatifi, among others from Lebanon, Iraq and Bahrain, played prominent roles in the Shi'ite conversion of Iran in the early Safavid period of the 16th century.

MA: Given this prolific proselytism, why have the Shi'ite remained a minority in the peninsula?

FI: Dividing the Saudi state into minorities and a majority is a misconception. Saudi Arabia is a state of minorities. Dividing Saudi Arabia along Sunni/Shi'ite lines will not work, as the Wahhabis do not even recognize the Sunnis as true Muslims.

MA: They recognize Hanbalis.

FI: That is the only mazhab [religious school] which they recognize. They accuse all the others of innovation and deviation. But even the Wahhabis are not a majority in Saudi Arabia.

MA: But what about the Hanbalis?

FI: You could say the Hanbalis constitute the biggest minority in Saudi Arabia.

MA: From a Shi'ite perspective, is the modern Saudi state legitimate?

FI: From a purely ideological point of view, the Saudi state (like other states) is illegitimate on account of its preemption of the Imam Mahdi's utopian state. But since the Islamic revolution in Iran, which promoted new forms of Shi'ite political thought, the Shi'ites of the Eastern Province have accepted the legitimacy of temporal states, provided they are just in their application of the sharia. But of course, the Saudi state is anything but just and merciful.

MA: Broadly speaking, are the Shi'ites loyal to the Saudi nation-state?

FI: We need to distinguish between loyalty to the homeland and loyalty to the state. The Saudi state has three parochial components: the al-Saud royal family, a broader Najdi constituency and the Wahhabi sect. These are the components of national identity in the kingdom. It has been successful in Najd, but it has failed in every other region because the inhabitants do not identify with this imposed identity. In that sense, Saudi Arabia is not a nation-state. With regards to the Shi'ites, we have not developed a sense of Saudi citizenship because of the extreme forms of oppression we have faced. When the state transgresses your basic rights, how can you develop loyalty to it?

MA: Let's talk about Shi'ite organizations. How important was the Harakat al-Risaliyin al-Tala’ (Movement of Vanguards Missionaries - MVM) to the political development of Saudi Shi'ites?

FI: Our organization, Munazamat al-Thawrah al-Islamiyah [the Islamic Revolution Organization - IRO], was affiliated to the MVM from the outset. The MVM was the mother organization for a number of movements in the region, especially in Iraq, Kuwait, Bahrain and Saudi Arabia.

MA: Why has there been so little coverage on the MVM, both from journalistic and academic perspectives?

FI: The MVM was inclined towards secrecy. In fact until 1993 nobody knew much about its activities, especially in Iraq and Bahrain. For instance, observers did not know that it was the MVM which organized the failed coup against the ruling dynasty in Bahrain in December 1981.

MA: I'll come to the failed Bahrain coup later. Is the MVM still operational?

FI: No, they are not. After the ending of the Iran-Iraq War [1988] the leaders of the movement reassessed the situation and formed new conclusions. There was deep disappointment about Iran's failure to emerge as the outright winner. There was also resentment in some sections of the movement about the over-concentration on Iraq. Many activists felt that the movement should have divided its attention equally between the other regional countries.

MA: At its height, how big was the MVM in terms of numbers of activists?

FI: It was very big.

MA: How big?

FI: We are talking thousands. It was the biggest Shi'ite Islamist movement of its time.

MA: What happened to the movement?

FI: As far as its Saudi branch is concerned, the October 1993 pact with the Saudi regime obligated Shi'ite activists to dissolve the Reform Movement and to formally and practically dissociate itself from outside movements. It should be mentioned that the IRO had transformed into al-Haraka Islahiyah (the Reform Movement) in 1991.

MA: How decisive was the leadership of Hassan al-Safar to both the MVM and IRO?

FI: Sheikh Hassan al-Safar is widely regarded as a spiritual leader of the Shi'ite movement in the Arabian Peninsula. His strongest point was his ability to relate to the people. Because of his ideological training he was able to transform historical Shi'ite narratives into effective populist themes. But this does not mean that he is an intellectual.

MA: To what extent did the Muharram Intifada of 1979 transform the relationship between Shi'ite dissenters and the Saudi regime?

FI: This was a major turning point in the relationship between the Shi'ites and the Saudi regime. It changed everything.

MA: Reading your book [The Shi'ites of Saudi Arabia], it is clear that it was also a personal turning point for you because you witnessed the shooting to death of your cousin. Did many others experience the same kind of psychological transformation?

FI: The events of Muharram in 1979 left a deep scar in the consciousness of the majority of Shi'ites in the Eastern Province.

MA: But given that Shi'ites had experienced extreme oppression for hundreds of years, why did this turning point occur so late in the day? I say this because the demonstrations of Muharram in 1979 were not huge, nor did they result in many casualties.

FI: There had been clashes between Shi'ites and the authorities for decades. For instance, in the 1920s a Shi'ite revolt was led by Sheikh Mohammed al-Nemr. In the 1950s and 1960s the Shi'ite workers of Aramco staged demonstrations, mostly in support of Arab nationalism. But the events of 1979 must be understood in the context of the ideological transformation of Shi'ism itself. The 1979 Islamic Revolution in Iran represented the culmination of the revolutionary political thought of Shariati, Jalal al-Ahmad and Imam [Ruhollah] Khomeini. The Islamic Revolution in Iran turned the old Shi'ite belief in the illegitimacy of temporal states on its head.

MA: What were the main inspirational features of the Iranian revolution to the Shi'ites of the Eastern Province?

FI: The most attractive feature was the leadership of Imam Khomeini. The Imam's charismatic features were truly extraordinary and resonated deeply with all Muslims, particularly the Shi'ites. Second, the new interpretation of Shi'ite political thought inspired by the Iranian revolution was highly liberating. Third, the Shi'ites of the peninsula deeply appreciate the independence of Islamic Iran. They compare the Islamic Republic to the Saudi regime, which is dependent on America for its basic security. Fourth, the leadership of the Iranian revolution had good links to the leadership of the MVM and this had fostered familiarity and mutual respect.

MA: Given the close relations between the MVM and the new Islamic regime in Iran, do you think Iran had a hand in the Bahrain coup attempt of December 1981?

FI: No! Iran had nothing to do with that venture whatsoever. In fact the Iranians paid the price for that mistake.

MA: Did the coup plotters really think they could succeed?

FI: They were convinced it could succeed. They thought they could rely on supporters inside Bahrain.

MA: Were you aware of the plot?

FI: No, I was in South Korea at the time.

MA: Who foiled the plot; was it the Bahrainis or the Saudis?

FI: It was the Bahrainis. Apparently the coup plotters made many mistakes during the preparatory stage and this alerted the Bahraini authorities.

MA: Where were the coup plotters from?

FI: They were mostly from Iraq. They were led by Hadi Modarresi.

MA: The Saudis have long alleged that the IRO was financed by Iran; is this true?

FI: No, it is not. We have always had a number of financial sources. The Shi'ite of the Eastern Province live in the most oil-rich region in the world. Moreover, as Shi'ites we have khums [voluntary Islamic tax] as a major source of revenue. Furthermore, we have other contributions in the form of tabarowat [donations]. In fact it is the people of the Eastern Province that regularly send money to Iran in the form of khums ... They also support Shi'ite Islamic causes and organizations in Iraq and Lebanon.

MA: Then what kind of assistance were the Iranians providing to your organization?

FI: Mostly moral support. But they also helped materially, especially in terms of logistics, offices and other buildings. But Iran had nothing to do with our activities. They never financed our activities.

MA: So the Iranians never interfered in your work, even in a subtle way?

FI: No, never!

MA: How much of your organization was based in Iran?

FI: The majority of our members were based in Iran until 1988.

MA: How about Saudi Hezbollah; do you believe they were behind the Khobar bombing [in Saudi Arabia] of 1996, as the Americans allege? [Nineteen 19 US servicemen and one Saudi were killed.]

FI: The Americans always raise this issue whenever they have problems with Iran.

MA: But they accused Iran of involvement in that attack from the outset. My question is do you believe Iran and its militant Shi'ite allies in the Kingdom were behind the attack?

FI: The Americans accused Iran and the Shi'ites initially but later on they realized they were very wrong.

MA: Who do you think was responsible for that attack?

FI: It was probably carried out by a group associated to al-Qaeda.

MA: Why did the Americans initially blame Iran; was it a case of faulty intelligence or pure politics?

FI: It was politics through and through! Some in the American intelligence community may have genuinely suspected Iran of involvement, but as I said earlier, in due course they realized they had been very wrong. In fact the FBI [Federal Bureau of Investigation] interrogated a Shi'ite activist, Hani al-Sayegh, who had been handed over to them in June 1997 by the Canadian security services, but they gleaned nothing useful from his interrogation. So they released him and then deported him to Saudi Arabia! The Americans are well aware that the Shi'ites of the peninsula are not into terrorism

MA: But surely you don't deny that Shi'ites from the Eastern Province have been involved in acts of political violence.

FI: There have been a few cases, but these have been on a very low scale.

MA: Have people been killed as a result of these actions?

FI: Not to my knowledge.

MA: What targets were they attacking?

FI: Mainly the oil industry. But we are talking about minor acts of sabotage, not major acts of terrorism.

MA: Let's talk about the 1993 pact between the Saudi government and the Shi'ite opposition. What were the main factors that led to a meeting between then-king Fahd and the leaders of the Shi'ite Reform Movement in October 1993?

FI: There was a new political climate in the region after the Gulf War of 1991. People were demanding their rights. This was reinforced by international pressures for reform. Moreover, the explosion of Sunni dissent in the kingdom in the aftermath of the Gulf War seriously unsettled the regime. Some elements in the regime felt they should make peace with the Shi'ites in order to concentrate on defeating Sunni dissidents. They were fearful of Shi'ite activists finding common grounds with the neo-Salafi dissidents.

MA: Why did they suspect that?

FI: We were in contact with Saad al-Faqih, Mohammed al-Massari and others in the Committee for the Defense of Legitimate Rights. Saudi security was probably monitoring these conversations and subsequently formed certain conclusions. These conclusions informed the regime's conciliatory approach towards the Shi'ite activists.

MA: To what extent did the new moderation of the Shi'ite movement influence the Saudi government's approach?

FI: The new reformist discourse was crucial in the Saudi decision to engage. Moreover, our shift towards modern forms of citizenship and pluralism allayed the fears of many quarters, including Saudi liberals and nationalists and also Western governments.

MA: Leaving aside its implementation, do you think the main terms of the 1993 accord were broadly acceptable to the Shi'ite opposition?

FI: Yes, as long as they led to the restoration of the legitimate rights of our people.

MA: Briefly, what were the main terms of the agreement?

FI: The main terms consisted of the abolition of discriminatory practices against the Shi'ites in the political, economic and socio-cultural fields.

MA: What did the Saudis want in return?

FI: We had to stop all political activities.

MA: What do you mean?

FI: We had to stop all political activities outside the kingdom. The Saudis issued a general amnesty and offered to renew the passports of our activists.

MA: When you say they promised to end discrimination, does that include general social discrimination? I am referring to discrimination against the Shi'ites by non-state actors in the country.

FI: No, it only referred to government discrimination.

MA: What mechanisms did the government set out to implement this anti-discrimination program?

FI: King Fahd said he would order all government institutions to comply with this policy and added that it would then be up to us to follow up with these institutions.

MA: Thirteen years on, to what extent has the accord been implemented?

FI: Discrimination is still widespread.

MA: Are you saying that every Saudi institution continues to discriminate against the Shi'ites?

FI: Yes!

MA: So nothing has improved in these 13 years?

FI: The only promise they kept was the security of the exiles who returned in 1993. And any improvement in the situation of the Shi'ites is not as a result of the 1993 accord, but the changing situation in the country and the region more broadly. The regime is no longer in a position to crack down as harshly as it wishes.

MA: What are Sheikh Hassan al-Safar and other leaders doing in Qatif right now?

FI: They conduct their own religious and social activities.

MA: They are not engaged in politics?

FI: If you consider meeting government officials as political activity, then they are politically active as well!

MA: But what about the Shi'ite opposition outside the country?

FI: The Shi'ite opposition is still active but we are not as united as before.

MA: What caused the divisions?

FI: The 1993 accord was the main factor.

MA: Were you strongly against the accord?

FI: Yes, I was.

MA: To what extent is the Shi'ite opposition cooperating with other forms of dissent in the Kingdom? Are you talking to the liberals and the Sunni Islamists?

FI: I can honestly say that our old movement was the most inclusive and nationalist in the country. We went out of our way to cultivate links with other political forces. We still maintain good connections to liberals, nationalists, leftists and moderate Salafis. We have always been very open, but the problem is with the extremists. I personally have tried hard to initiate dialogue with the hardline Wahhabis. I succeeded with Salman al-Auda, who has now moderated his views on the Shi'ites.

MA: What about [Salafi] Safar al-Hawali?

FI: I contacted one of his friends to inquire into the feasibility of opening dialogue. But his friend advised me not to contact Hawali since he is still very radical and is not yet ready for dialogue with the Shi'ites.

MA: Do you think that neo-Salafism is the strongest form of opposition to the Saudis?

FI: Absent a national culture, any opposition will be reduced to a sectarian, tribal or regional phenomenon. I don't think you can talk about any general opposition to the Saudis. This is arguably the regime's greatest fortune.

MA: Is the regime capable of reform?

FI: I think gradual reforms will eventually lead to the fracture of the state. If they want to avoid this scenario they have to start promoting serious reforms; for instance transforming the royal family into a constitutional monarchy.

MA: Do you really think they would even consider such a subversive idea?

FI: No, I don't. This is a royal family that believes it owns everything in the country; even the air that people breathe!

MA: Is Abdullah an asset or liability to the House of Saud?

FI: Abdullah is just a figurehead.

MA: But he has been in charge for 10 years!

FI: But he can't do anything. Princes Sultan and Nayef have more power than Abdullah, especially in internal affairs. Abdullah is just the friendly face of the regime to the outside world.

MA: What would happen to the country in the event of the demise of the al-Saud?

FI: The country would fragment along regional lines. Hejaz and Najd will become independent states. The southern regions may be annexed by Yemen. The Eastern Province will definitely secede as well.

(This article first appeared in SaudiDebate.com. Published with permission.)

(Copyright 2006 SaudiDebate.com.)

Dear All

2006-12-21T20:57:00.000-08:00

Hi Everyone. I felt I owed it to you guys to tell you that first of all, I apologize for not writing much anymore. Especially to Trevelyana my home girl, I'll email you. To Farhan my fan i'll be back soon , full swing :) just wait eheh and to Ionflux. To Lipstick Wahhbbi, omg I love your blog! readong about Sheikh Hassan alSafar as I type. Mystique.. we're still on girl, I'll talk to you laterl. shhh secret gotta shut up before I spill the beans lol.

I do actually still write but like some other bloggers, I am only human lol. I kinda lost track of why I started writing in the first place. If you see my earlier post they had more soul to them coz of the comfort that it wasn't too public. Some how along the way i liked the attention and started to write what I thought people wanted to read sighhh . I forgot why I did it in the first place, and bam! a writer's block coupled with bad grammar and spelling. lol

Writing for me was always an outlet. A form of self expression to unload the shit inside the heavy heart I own.

I have a secret diary somewhere in the blogosphere now. I'm just trying to deal with some issues that I REALLY don't think is healthy for ANYONE to know about. Sighhh

I'll see you guys when things are back on track in my life.

For now , I leave you with this beautiful poem by one of my favourite poets.

See ya when I see ya.

love,
Arabiana

Song of the Soul

2006-12-21T20:36:00.000-08:00

By: Khalil Gibran

In the depth of my soul there is
A wordless song - a song that lives
In the seed of my heart.
It refuses to melt with ink on
Parchment; it engulfs my affection
In a transparent cloak and flows,
But not upon my lips.

How can I sigh it? I fear it may
Mingle with earthly ether;
To whom shall I sing it? It dwells
In the house of my soul, in fear of
Harsh ears.

When I look into my inner eyes
I see the shadow of its shadow;
When I touch my fingertips
I feel its vibrations.

The deeds of my hands heed its
Presence as a lake must reflect
The glittering stars; my tears
Reveal it, as bright drops of dew
Reveal the secret of a withering rose.

It is a song composed by contemplation,
And published by silence,
And shunned by clamor,
And folded by truth,
And repeated by dreams,
And understood by love,
And hidden by awakening,
And sung by the soul.

It is the song of love;
What Cain or Esau could sing it?

It is more fragrant than jasmine;
What voice could enslave it?

It is heartbound, as a virgin's secret;
What string could quiver it?

Who dares unite the roar of the sea
And the singing of the nightingale?
Who dares compare the shrieking tempest
To the sigh of an infant?
Who dares speak aloud the words
Intended for the heart to speak?
What human dares sing in voice
The song of God

And we thought the Lebanse girls on TV were bad enough! lol

2006-12-05T00:04:00.000-08:00

Guys! You won't believe the latest news!! I mean we're a totally racist society with our own idea of how our helpers and drivers are to be .. right?

WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!! Think again......

AS RECEIVED

في المملكة العربية السعودية بدأت اللجنة الوطنية للاستقدام التابعة لمجلس الغرف

السعودية تنفيذ خطوات لـ"تنويع مصادر استقدام" الخادمات لتمتد من دول أوروبا

الشرقية وخاصة دول ما كان يعرف بالاتحاد السوفييتي ..

وقال رئيس اللجنة سعد البداح إن عملية التفاوض مع الحكومات في أوروبا الشرقية

ودول ما كان يعرف بالاتحاد السوفييتي لتصدير عمالتها للمملكة استغرقت نحو 3

سنوات وتركزت على وضع الاستراتيجية وأطر التعاون ودراسة الوضع من

الطرفين وغيرها من القضايا الفنية المختلفة

واذا ما نجحت خطة المملكة السعودية في التعاقد مع هذه الدول فان منازل السعوديين

ستمتلىء بالخادمات من الجنس الاشقر .. والعيون الزرقاء والخضراء ( رحتو وطي )

اما المتضرر الاكبر من خطة المملكة فهن الخادمات التابعات للدول الاسلامية مثل

الهنديات والاندونيسيات اللواتي سيبدأ عددهن بالانخفاض تدريجيا نتيجة اتجاه

السعوديين الى تفضيل الخادمات من الاصول الاخرى.

عز الله رحتو فيها يا حريييمنا الحقو على أزواااجكم

I guess that's a nice comeback post! Welcome back to meeeeee

More on Bluetooth and Saudi: From sex to suicide

2006-12-04T23:40:00.000-08:00

Saudi Bluetooth Flirting leads to young woman suicide attempt

A young woman was rushed to a private hospital late last night after swallowing more than 50 tables of Panadol in a desperate attempt to commit suicide after being threatened to be exposed by a man who she got to know through " Bluetooth dating".

Amal, a 16 year old highschool student in Jeddah, came home with Panadol tables she had purchased from the nearby drugstore and waited until she was alone. Her parents had left for a wedding party that evening only to find her unconscious upon their return . She was immediately rushed to the nearest private hospital where she received medical attention and was stabilized.

This is not unusual to the Saudi society. Women have been attempting suicide to escape the harsh consequences of cultural and social misconducts. Saudi Arabia is a segregated society where the interaction of men and women is restricted to relatives, spouses and children. The religious police has the right to question and detain couples who can't prove their marital status or blood relation.

Dating and rendezvous are often conducted secretly in private homes of mutual friends or public places where the man poses as a brother or relative if caught.

Because of the harsh cultural rules, women are often the victims of abuse and blackmail because the offenders know that they can get away with it since she can not tell anyone. Sometimes even repeatedly threatening to inform her male relatives of their Bluetooth relationship lest she does what he asked her. This creates a viscous cycle of emotional and psychological abuse for the woman that develops into depression and finally despairs and suicide contemplations.

“Even if I changed my number, He knows where I live. My brothers will kill me if they find out and he knows it, there is nothing I can do , I’ve committed sin and if I ask anyone to help me in the end I will be the one to suffer so I am leaving it to Allah to sort it out " Fatima, 21

Dr. Halloo, Clinical Psychologist, at the hospital in Jeddah explained the need for a trusting relationship between the growing adolescent and at least one of the parents. "We need to let our daughters know that we love them and that no matter how angry we are, the last thing want them is dead!" he emphasized. “To the woman, it is the end, she can't tell her family because she will be condemned and shamed for the rest of her life and she can't make the man stop abusing her because he probably would know where she lived because he had discreetly picked her up before and making him mad by not submitting to him can anger him enough to talk to her father and she can't live with that so she decides to kill herself and rest"

“I received a blue tooth message while I was in the car on my way to school. The sender's name was cute and it was traffic so I started smsing him back and we fell in love. He told me not to tell anyone so that we could get married one day. We started meeting in secret, he'd pick me up from school and we would go to his place, I have no choice! If we got caught in the mall or the beach... I don't even want to think about it! But I’m sure he will not black mail me" Wafaa, 19

Many young women in Saudi Arabia have heard their fair share of "Bluetooth dating" horror stories. A great deal of them "just wait it out" until the boy finds another and gets busy, by the time he tells on her, she would have spent sufficient time at home enough to gain her parents trust and deny the relationship. Here are the opinions of some women in "Hanging-Bluetooth" relationships:

" My boyfriend and I met through bluetooth messaging, I trusted him and told him everything about me. Sometimes he teases me when I annoy him that he would make a prank call to my dad and tell him about us, we once had a fight about that but I still don't know if he can do it, its not in my hands anymore" Sumaya, 21

" What are we supposed to do? We can't go on a date in public because it is prohibited, we can't watch a movie or take a walk on the beach there is just no such thing as a relationship before marriage here. I want to know how men are so I marry the right one in the future. I don't want to end up marrying 5 times before i find the right one because I didn't know the other 4 before we got married!" The girls nodded in agreement." Lets go to the mall" suggested Sumaya, "Maybe we'll get lucky and forget about our troubles" The girls giggled .

Amal’s story and the story and the stories of these young women are not strange to the youth of Saudi Arabia. From the stories of the dating adventures of those who lived to tell them. To the appalling stories of those who suffered the consequences . "Bluetooth dating" like a lot of other unaccepted social activities , is just another risk young people are willing to take in their plight for self discovery.

A letter to Mama

2006-11-07T17:47:00.000-08:00

What is there to say?

Do you believe in signs? Do you believe in love? Do you believe that there is that one person out there for every single one of us and that the secret of eternal life lies in finding that person who effortlessly, just for simply being, brings out the best in you and helps you fulfill the reason for your existence?

Could life be more than just growing up, having a dream job, a socio- religious orientation ( whatever it is), a practical partner, a stable routine, a secure income and a family that you try ever so hard to “raise” on a single minded set of values?

Sounds to me that “life” can’t get any better that but can’t it really?

What keeps all these ingredients in the bowl? What stirs them constantly through change and fluctuating temperature to forever keep the mix smooth and interesting?

What is the invisible hand? Respect? For what? For the person’s wealth? Power? history? Country? mind? Honesty? Devotion?

You can respect someone, admire them and never want to hurt them, but you can’t stop your other emotions from wandering to where they feel understood, appreciated and encouraged , I for one have been living up to EVERYONE’S expectations, even those people I meet on the street on my way home on Monday.

I hate how love, real love, deep love is being taken for granted today. What you see happening between two young immature and not yet even fully physically developed teenagers is not love. So let me call what I am talking about something else, let’s call it…Bliss.

Have you ever been in bliss?

You’ll never know till you are they say, and well I think that when it happens any mad worldly woman’s heart shall be tamed.

Utter mental, emotional and physical peace and contentment. Ironically obtained from the presence of someone else yet astonishingly deeply personal to you in too many ways. Love is not routine.

When two individuals, intellectuals, cultured, spiritual, attractive, modest, considerate, sensitive, tolerant, respectful meet because of everything else than why two people meet today , the world as they knew it changes. They change, their priorities change everything pure and selfless takes center stage.

Fame, fortune and practicality doesn’t matter anymore and all that does is just being together. From different worlds but from one, from different backgrounds but only to complete each

other, from different walks of life but only to show eachother what life was meant to be..They know no jealousy, no past, no resentment for anything in the other’s life. All they see is a reason for all that has gone and was done , a direction for where the heavens meant for them to contemplate..

Have you ever been in bliss?

It has been said that you can not please everyone in this world, but it also has been said that that when God is pleased of you.. then the world has no choice but to love you too.

Yes the path is hard. But nothing of worth is easily obtained. And to know the truth means to be a rejected prophet sent to a world that has been set on its fathers ways.

Bliss is my blood line is a mystery. Lived by my parents but shrouded in doubt and hardened by gold.

Money is the root of all Evil. The flame needs fuel to survive. For what is joy but sorrow unmasked and ignorance…. Ignorance and expectations blind the eyes from seeing how good what we have is.

If they only knew how other girls were, good girls. Women, families, problems, silly choices and lifestyles.

When will I be able to live my life the way I want to without being judged and condemned? When will I be allowed without the torturing guilt of my parents disapproval to pursue my happiness?

When will I plan my life without my mothers blue prints?

When will she love me for who I am and understand that the times and the socio-psycho-spiritual me are just different. Different because She is my mother and she chose her life and I am the product of that choice and I too want to find middle grounds.

Nobody is perfect. And there is a reason for everything. Things are not always what they seem and we learn. We learn because we have to, so that we may be sure of our decisions in the future . One mans poison is another mans wine. My questions have been answered and I am now a better person because of what to my mother’s poison.. doesn’t it comfort her that I’m immune now?

Sometimes what’s beyond takes charge of your life. And when it does, be greatful, be thankful.. for you are favored.. favored enough to be shown what is good for you, because you have tried and you have thought and you have searched. Life is a journey…

Travel it well. Seek and learn. And when you find what your heart longs for… listen to it and ignore your mind. Your mind is a dangerous thing. Life is about existing to live and not living to exist .

I need my mother but she’s at a distance.

Why is it that when I need her most, when I’m happiest the most, excited the most and sure, for the first time in my entire 25 years of existence sure of something.

She isn’t?

Give me strength.

I love you mama, please feel me, I need you.

Jaded..

2006-10-10T01:24:00.000-07:00

This place is getting the best of me
It's not the place..
it's what it does to my friends

I out-grew this town
Mundane shit is not worth more time & energy that the hours it deserves
Dragging shit, dwelling on nothing and wasting my time makes a monster out of me

I DON'T LIKE THIS MONSTER, I'm mean enough to begin with

Nothing else to do- is getting me chasing waterfalls
Temporary highs, anything but what is
immediate gratification

Being spoon-fed is making me fat
fat makes me depressed
My depression makes the life of the people around me hell
Then the guilt is consuming
I've worn out my welcome

I am not built to sit and watch my loved ones self-destruct
I am not built to be a "perfectionist bitch" for expecting basic 1,2,3's of civil social conduct
I am not built to be "arrogant, bossy and always right" just because well... I am. ;)

There's gotta be more to life...
And I'm on my way to find out ehat it is.

Seriously...

2006-09-30T11:18:00.000-07:00

Ok. It's another Saturday night. My friends are out partying and I don't feel like it ( as usual). I love my friends and I consider myself a party animal.. I AMMMM. SO what gives?
I know that I'm not a party pooper or a KJ and I know I can change the course of whatever party I go to ( easy bitches .. lol).

Maybe I'm just tired of knowing exactly what's going to happend and what doesn't really doesn't interest me. Maybe I feel that I'm too old for it or maybe I just need another venue, another kind of drink, another flow of conversation and some excitement for Pete's sakes!

Nothing excites me anymore .. ( Light bulb moment!) there that's my problem!!!!!!!!

Then again , Maybe excitement is a state of mind. I'd rather have coffee and a heart to heart conversation then slow my metabolism down with industrial waste ( NO Offense Guys.. I'm the EX- Tandya queen remember?) and a useless hangover in the morning.

Or maybe it's not my time. Going thru so much leaves little space for anything else.

Would I be the same in another place? Hell no! I'd be painting the town red anywhere else..

Familiarity does breed contempt.

Maybe.. I just catered so much to that party of me that there isn't really much to experience left.. not with my single cute and unscarred college and "feeling still in college friends" .. I belong to the latter category.

I have given value to my time.. and ironically its put more to use when I am not alone and pretending to be just-like-them.

When I am not.

Part of me is. even maybe 50% of me , but like i said , I'm feeding that part of me everyday.. no need for overkill or I might forget who I realy am.

fucking deep eh.. ? only deep to those who know me.

To them it's just like that too when they're with me.. they feed the part of them that is- not just -like- thje rest

the silent connection of understanding of what we need from eachother.

I still dopn't know whats up with me being corny about it.

should I even post this post? nahhh never mind

I want my hole

2006-09-26T21:25:00.000-07:00

Hiding in comfort. That;s my forte'. All that is ( or might be) uncomfortable is something to be avoided ( unless avoiding it would be more uncomfortable), and all that brings me comfort ( food, DISTRACTIONS, movies, drink, shopping, drugs, karaoke.. )
is to be sought after ( unless seeking them would be uncomfortable) what the hell am i saying... sighhhh

Most Feared Fortune Cookie " The scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar"

MOTTO ( taken from tolkien) : " In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with he ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry , bare, sandy, hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort."

It was my hole and I miss it. I need to start digging.

I hate them

2006-09-25T22:37:00.000-07:00

Overnight, friend to foe
overnight, I'm walking out the door
trust broken will never
never be the same
Trust broken.
What a shame.

I wont take the blame.

I'm not wrong to be me.
I have morals
my morals
my values

just because they're not like yours
doesnt mean i'm wrong

I'm not wrong to be me

Just because your family is more than mine
doesnt make you right
you just need eachother to tell eachother that you are

'I need to protect my boys from temptation" she said
"God first before anything"
Who are you selling this to.. ?
All you daughters got knocked up
All your sons got their girls knocked up

And because you forced all to get married..
You are right and I am wrong
You're from heaven
And i'm a lost soul

After all... when traces of sin are washed away..
who needs to repent? what for?
Who cares about the cause of it all ?
Because you made them 'fix' it

ahhh yes, sin is no sin when u erase it afterwards.
God is a schoolteacher pleased at the cleaned up mess
because he will put you in detention if don't cover it up

Thank you for making me see

How wrong I am
How wrong I am

HOW WRONG I AM TO BE HERE

My dreams are trying to tell me what's wrong..

2006-09-19T22:59:00.000-07:00

I dreamt last night of chairs and stairs ..lots of stacked and unstacked chairs in my way I was going up and down some weird stairs , maybe down more than up. I was looking for something. I think there was another girl with mehelping me find my way. I was out, she lead me in. I've been there before in my dreams. They remind me of my university building.. but with exists and turns that were new to me.. .. what a wierd dream..

Only lately have I been dreaming and remembering those dreams. Only when when my world was Gray.

Will I dream anymore?

I looked my dream up:

Stairs

1. If the dreamer is climbing the stairs, then he is "on his way to the top." If the staircase is bright and cheery, the climb to the top will be easy and pleasant. But if the staircase is dark and frightening, the dreamer may have to face some unpleasant situations before he gets to where he wants to be.

2. If the dreamer is descending the staircase, and the staircase is a pleasant one, then he may soon complete a difficult task and be able to relax for awhile. But if the staircase is dark and gloomy, or the dreamer is falling down the stairs, then the dreamer may be in danger of being "on his way down." Look to other symbols in the dream to judge how this can be prevented.

3. If someone known to the dreamer is either climbing or descending the staircase, depending on whether the dreamer is at the top or the bottom, that person is either rising or descending to meet the dreamer.

4. If an unknown male figure is either climbing or descending the staircase, then the dreamer's intellect will be challenged in some way. If it's an unknown female figure, then emotional matters will either rise to a major turning point, or fall to a level of normalcy.

Astrological parallels: Saturn, Uranus, Pluto.

Tarot parallel: The Wheel of Fortune.

As for the Chairs...

chair

A chair in a dream represents an opportunity to rest, relax, stop, think, or wait for what's next - or whatever else you tend to do in a chair. Dreaming that you're tired and you can't find a place to sit down would represent a feeling of overwhelm or a need to rest in your real life.

( so many chairs but couldn't sit down , infact was moving them away.. wierd..self torment anyone? )

A chair in a dream can represent a place to rest (mentally, emotionally, physically), or it can represent your place in the world (just as a chair can represent your place in a room). Not being able to find a place to sit down can mean you're feeling like there's no opportunity to rest or take a break in your life right now, or it can mean that you're feeling challenged in figuring out where you "fit in" right now. Returning to your a seat where you were sitting and finding that someone else has taken it means you're feeling someone has "taken from you" in some way - stolen your limelight, taken advantage of you, or ignored your rights or needs somehow.

oh my god...

School :

School

If you dream of being back to school as an adult, pay more attention to your past and things from your childhood. Dreaming of school also could carry a message that life wants to teach you a lesson. On the other hand, the school dream may reflect tension and pressures in your waking life. Looking at a school building in your dream means that you keep on making the same mistakes and it is time to learn from past experiences. Seeing a student signifies that someone wants to fool you.

mee oh my...

School - Lessons in life. Self understanding is learning to know yourself (psychological). Life's experiences. Have you learned from them or do you ignore what is evident for what is convenient?

OMG!!!!!

I BELIEVE IN DREAMSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Here's to you! My Master teacher in disguise

2006-09-19T21:48:00.000-07:00

Today, The last of the baby hamsters died. Eaten, torn by its own flesh and blood. Born and nursed only to be stripped out of life, suddenly, viciously, permanently. An omen. And with it, I, am reborn.

He said he wanted to help me find myself. Walk with me, unconditionally, soulfully, surely, truly, that I was his purpose… his past, present and future. Well my friends .. Salud!

If there were one thing that he helped me find was the fact that I needed no man, no friend no, no soul mate to help me find anything.

My sin and the sin of my daughters.. Clairvoyance.

I now know where she gets it from. Why she worries about how to go home when I don’t bring a car, why she worries about the mall closing and not being able to go home when it’s dark, where to put the hamsters when they grew up. They never did.

What a waste of brain power. One day like me, she’ll know when to waste no more.

I yet have to learn how to hold my tongue. Restrict my fingers. Stop my thoughts from ruining my moments. Maybe in time I will. But for now, I continue….till something overpowers me. What power I have.. how much I don’t realize it. I don’t buy my own bull… sell it back to me and you win me over.

Life 101. A collection dedicated to all who need it. I might say all I got to say in an hour, in a week, month or year. For I don’t stop till I unload. I don’t know when I’ll feel lighter.

To you my Master teacher in disguise:

Thank you for showing me the truth. May it not be the truth I thought it was…for both our sakes.

“ Men stumble over the truth from time to time, but most pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened.”- SIR WINSTON CHURCHILL

Don't sigh

2006-09-18T01:41:00.000-07:00

Don’t sigh

After a while your smile will be back

And the fire in your chest will get colder

“we” will grow older

I’m in love

From head to toe

In lust

In awe

But I don’t want to know

So I’m letting go

I don’t want my heart to break

I don’t want to know it’s fake

I don’t want to know love is not real

I don’t want to break, to mend and to heal

I’m fine the way I am

My space, my world

My imaginary man

Don’t sigh

It won’t be long

Till “ we “...

will be gone.

you decide where

2006-09-15T01:57:00.000-07:00

You decide where
Any café, I’m a sword stabbing the sea’
My sharpness is no use to me now
Decide wherever
I have surrendered to the roaring waves in your eyes
From the ends of time
When it rains in this town

I need your touch
Come inside my coat
Inside my shirt
Under my skin , in my voice
Let me lay my face on the grass of your chest
Let me migrate like a bird from my eyes to your eyes
From my hands to your hands

Draw my face on the parchment of night
The street lights and wooden lamposts
Lay your love on me
In the rain, in the thunder
Surround me with the beating of the drums
Let me give you a home inside of me
Crucify you a savior between my bosoms
Let me baptize you mine with holy water and perfume

On the torn pages of my life, hold me together
I have denied the time of sultans
I have refused my priest’s anointment

Let me make you howl like a wolf in the night
Bleed like a wound in a woman’s bossom

Give me the pleasure of death beckoning
Let me feel the beauty of slowly perishing
When it rains in this town
Branches grow from my misery
My sorrow has limbs

Come inside my coat and sleep
I’m your temptress, taste my apple
But in the rain ,
We grow , two apple trees

Nothing final in my mind yet
So take me where you want
Leave me where you want
Buy me today’s papers
Chocolates , wine and cigarettes
Here are all my keys

Drive….

Drive us against the wind, towards uncertainty
Wander the stables that have no name
Love me a little
Break the rules a little
Bend me a little
Leave your right hand for me a little

For your arms are the shores of safety
There are no maps for love
No, and neither does the passion I have for you
So find a flat where the rain creeps in
A hotel that doesn’t ask lovers their names
Make me stay up all night calling your name
Let me scar your memory
Make me follow your trail

You decide where
For love in this town is like God
Everywhere

A tribute to Niza Qabbani

2006-09-15T01:33:00.000-07:00

Nizar Qabbani-

Born in Demascus 1923- Died in London 1998

May his soul rest in peace ( Allah yer7amo)

As if spoken from the grave

A reminder of his fame

I Post these lines

Of a forgotten time

Translate with no rhyme

A glimpse of his mind

A tribute to Nizar Qabbani

Had he been alive

The skies would have cried

Her eyes would have glowed

The deserts would have moaned

On Arabian nights he traveled her veins

Through immortal words, he worshipped her name

On behalf of the golden woman I write

To the man who freed her from all the lies

Not even Shakespeare can move me inside

For not even Shakespeare for his words, had to die

5 mins mind rant

2006-09-15T00:20:00.000-07:00

How can I feel 10 thousand different things all at once?

A moment i'm fine, then i'm agitated , then I'm miserable, then I'm excited then I'm hopefull, then I have a whole new plan, then I want to do something crazy, then I just want to pig out or maybe I want to scuba dive.. but oh now i need to go riding first... that would be better. I missed my horse.

Then' i'd fly to another state of mind thinking of Lyla ( night), my black arabian stallion who was sold when I was 14 because we didn't have the space and because I forgot all about her with puberty on my door.

Then I think about love, romance and passion. Then I think how stupid it was and how stability is the best think a woman could ask for, then I'd think about how selfish I maybe am. I am. I was just going to blow some money on plastic surgery .. for what? if i think about it, it is purley selfish in intentions... how did i reach this place? How vain, how ungratful , how evil really instead of good.. how i might be fooling a lot of people including myself.

Then again wait a minute, I'm a spiritual guru.. I was just tlaking to Annie about how life is easy for those who have purpose, how the stars connive to help you seek the truth and how goo intentions will also lead u to the light...

wtf..

Then I think about what I'm going to wear , if i'm going to go out tonight, shit i was just on the phone making ticket reservations for the other side of the world and i was dead serious about it too. costs less than my plastic surgery estimation mind you! shieeet hey why don't i just check in a hotel somewhere else and sink in that water bed for days ... sighhhh I need to sms someone. I need to write this poem.. Last night i lost myself to Nizaar Qabbani's words... what words what words.. i pitty those who don't know arabic for not reading those words more than i pittied them for not reading the quran.. try to translate one line.. no i won't do it justice, Oh wow.. the passion, the love , the romance, i could feel my legs trembling !!! all that in a contemporary setting, when he talks about her cigarette case, her comb, her perfume.. I can just be her ... This is what I want more than stability and security. How foolish... maybe i just need to take it out of my system... taste what i can, knock on the gates of heaven and smell whats inside through the cracks on the wall .. then go back to earth to do better so i deserve it in a nother lifetime , i can.

What a bitch... ! I'm not a biatch.. at least i still have the brains to be logical , to think about the consequences, the what if's, the exits in case the seatbelt didn't fit him right, incase he found my music too loud and my snoring too soft.. why are we less of bitches when we just ride our desires unbrideled and then get burned for them because of our stupidity? are u telling me being stupid is an excuse for being a bitch? maybe .... I wish i were stupid. but hey since I'm a bitch in theory.. maybe i am stupid after all.... could it be that pitty for the stupids eliminates contempt? ofcourse it does... otherwise I wouldn't be the angel he thinks I am.

But what is it then ???????????????????? What is driving me crazy???What is the source of my restlessness> what is keeping me up at night? what is it that I don't have??? have i got too much? Or have I got nothing at all?

I know that there is something I can't explain and something that will just happen when it happens. right now that thing is not here, i can't feel it andi won't deny that, I wouldn't be playing chess with my sensory nerves , attack, retreat, left, right, giddi up horsie if I felt there completely...

But i have faith in it, and what faith in it do i have.... faith that from the moment I lay eyes on him.. mind reformat! check mate!

When it happens, it's surrender.. and then it's peace and then it's forever.

I want that surrender more than all those who want me to.

Make it happen. Make me surrender..

A better Middle east..?

2006-09-11T22:11:00.000-07:00

From an article by Ralph Peters

"Blood borders"

Armed Forces Journal
June 2006

Thanks to Valium

My Allah is GOD ( btw.. God is a literal translation for Allah)

2006-09-10T00:23:00.000-07:00

MY GOD is

( Qudsi Hadeeths: God’s words but not from the Quran, I’ll get to that one day soon )

My own shushing translation

Source: Al-Ahadeeth al qudsiya, Mohammad Sha3rawi, Dar Alrawda

It’s in Jarir’s bookstore dammit!

God is Love

God said: “I am at my worshipper’s best thinking of me, I am with him when he remembers me, If he thinks of me , I think of him, if he speaks about me to his company, I speak about him to mine ( the angels and heavens) and if he comes to me the length of a palm width I come to him the length of an arm, and if he comes to me an arm’s length I come to him ( the length of the arm to the opposite shoulder, "ba3" whats that in english? ), and if he comes to me walking, I come to him running.”

Jesus is like God in so many ways. But God is his God too.

God said:“ Oh son of Adam, I was sick and you didn’t comfort me. Adam said: how can I comfort you and you are Lord of heaven and earth?” God Said: Didn’t you know so so.. was sick and you didn’t comfort him? Didn’t you know that If you did you would have found me there? “

Heaven is not what they say it is . Greedy Male chauvinist perverts!

God Said:“ I have prepared for my followers what no eye has seen and no ear has heard and what NEVER has crossed the heart of man”

God is forgiving

God said:“I am the source of virtue, who ever lives in virtue ( Tuqa)” to put between you and evil a wall ” I will be your source of his forgiveness.”

God said :“ Who ever knew in his heart that I am forgiving of sins , I forgive him , as long as he doesn’t worship another”

Suicide is not a way to eternal life

God said : “ My follower got to himself before me, so shal hel not get to heaven”

God is giving

God said to the angels : “ If my follower intends a good deed , it shall be recorded as one, if he does it, it shall be recorded as 10 folds. If he intends a bad deed, do not record it, if he does it , it shall be recorded as one bad deed, if he doesn’t do it, then recorded as a good deed”

God tells us when we are right and when WE ARE NOT

God said: “ Spread virtue and condemn sin amongst you before you want and I shall not give , you ask and I shall not answer, “ tastansirooni” (you want me to come to your aid and help you win your cause) and I shall not let you prevail “

---- hmmm , makes sense doesn't it terrorists?

God will judge us

God said :“ Son of Adam denied me with no right to , and his denial is when he says” HE shal notl resurrect me like he started me”, Behold resurrecting creation is not harder on me than starting it”

God is generous

God says : “ He who is always remembering me shall be given more than those who ask only when in need “

God is sincere

“ Sincerity is a secret of my secrets, bestowed on the hearts of those I am pleased of ”

God condemns injustice

God said:“ Oh my people, I have forbidden injustice upon myself ( to be worshipped with another), and it is a grave sin to be unjust, so don’t be to one another”

----- Whabbisville anyone?

The eternal Battle

Satan said : My Lord, I will remain tempting son of Adam so long as their souls are in their bodies. God said: By my Power and mercy , I will remain forgiving them so long as they ask forgiveness.

--- Thanks be to God

To hear is not as reliable as to examine

God said to Moses after his coming from Sinai : “ Your people have done this and that, He didn’t take it to heart, but when he saw them, he threw the tablets on the floor”

--What else more do we need to examine people?? We keep hearing nasty stuff about us, backed up by evidence ( a must in islam) yet we dismiss is and say that it is a consipiracy , blame it on the jews ! and if we can't we say ohh those meant are not practicing Islam the way they should. But look examineeee… look at the racism, the injustice, the ignorance the sigh….

When God loves you, Good people will too.

The prophet pbuh said : When God Almighty loves a worshiper he calls unto to Gabriel “ Allah has loved so.. so love him, Gabriel Loves him and he calls unto to the heavens: Allah has loved soo and soo so love him. So those in the heavens love him and acceptance from the people of the earth shall be bestowed upon him.

Are we accepted by the people of the earth? Does God love us then? Why not? Think about it.

The "deepness" factor

2006-09-10T00:00:00.000-07:00

I have come to the conclusion that there are 2 kinds of people in this world. The “searcher” and the “ founded”.

Both types of people are everywhere. In every society, culture and religion. They are found in all social classes and financial statuses. Often labeled as “strong and weak”, “ winners and losers”, “ practical and irrational”, “ spiritual and lost”… “normal and rebels”

All my life I have looked up to the “winners”, people who knew who they were, where they came from and what spiritual path they have chosen , or rather, what was chosen for them. With no doubt, and eventual remorse for their “ growing up mistakes”. The winners are the leaders of the world.

Ahh Yes, but what world?

I noticed something. Something obvious yet ironically denied. As stable and in-control the winners might seem, dig a little deeper and you find a hallow shell. For most of the time the “so sure” are “not so sure” and not accepting the fact that there might be something else out there that wasn’t integrated in their ivy league educations, Sunday ( or Friday) masses and picket fences lives, creates a defensive monster out of the sweetest sweater –or abaya-wearing most promising individual.

On the other hand, the losers, as doomed and socially unfit as they might seem are more at peace with themselves. They are real, honest, true to themselves and others. They don’t live up to society’s expectations and they take pride in being different. Outcasts freed from the enslavement of social control and worldly illusions. The “searchers” are open to change, excited to be challenged , accepting, tolerant and most of all they are .. human.

Religion. The earth belongs to us and we belong to the earth.

A powerful building block of any winner’s psyche. All religions preach peace, brotherhood, equality, justice, empathy and love.

Ironic how we don’t realize that it is but natural to resist change, an "each to his own" philosophy is prosperous so long as the basic virtue of respect commands a lingering presence. The world is a machine and if we were all the same part, doing the same function, then life, the cosmic order has no meaning.

It is in philosophy 101 that we learn that human beings are territorial and in psychology 101 that they will consciously or unconsciously resist anything that would threaten their emotional well being ( except the opposite sex of course) , it is human nature to hide from the bully who want’s your lollipop even if you hate it. In Philosophy 103 man is his history.

But answer me this :

Why are the ‘searchers” more human? More sensitive, more spiritual, more natural ?

Why are the “founded” irrational, shallow, judgmental, intolerant and so very detached from themselves and from God?

Why is it that the more religious you are ( Buddhism is a way of life ) the more violent you are? Close minded and less independent?

Why is it that if we are from God and God is from us ,do our souls gravitate towards the “ searchers” more? We all look for those who understand and not judge us, was what had initial impact on your life ever brought by an imam, a priest, a rabbi or a holy woman?

Why is it that dramatic changes and experiences brought by mortal imperfections in the “searchers’” life makes him a grateful better person? while changes in the “founded’s’” are shameful regrettable mistakes, despite the universal acknowledgment that hadn’t they’ve been through it they wouldn’t be the better persons they are today?

Why is it that God is ever so loving, accepting, forgiving and merciful if he didn’t mean for us to be “searchers” in the first place?

Why is it that we are all after the end regardless of the means?

Whatever happend to THE journey???

You. My Salvation

2006-09-04T07:57:00.000-07:00

Just when I was down to nothing

A few drops of sanity left

Overwhelmed by despair’s infinite reasons

Overpowered by guilt and what to repair

My neck forced to look to where they’re pointing

My mind trying to find sense in what they were saying

My heart slowly accepting that it was meant to die

Passion, fear, need and common sense

A deadly combination for the loving Juliet

But did she succumb?

No she did not

Would she have knowing what fate awaited her?

No she would not

But do I even have the right to put myself in her shoes?

No I do not.

For the world I live in is real.

Suicide is forbidden.

And to sacrifice for love ..

well it is just plain stupid.

Just as the thought of giving you up found a away in

Happily ever after knew nothing more than a child’s grin

Just as the last petal of hope was about to fall

And the deafening thunder started to roar

You simply, unkowningly, naturally, beautifully

Pressed that RESET button

And it’s YOU. You are the one.

All that I want.

Nothing less, nothing more.

Ten commandments for finding Mr. Right

2006-09-03T08:03:00.000-07:00

I used to tell my friends that there was no “Perfect guy” that perfection lied in the fact that the inevitable imperfections are those you can live with. That guy you accept , man and all, would be that perfect someone for you.

Searching for Mr. right is a science. Yes, you heard it right. Gone are the days when we naively believed that “it’ll just happen”. Forget about “the rules” you read in those over rated “bestsellers”. Those can only guarantee getting laid or keeping someone by being someone you are not and frankly, it is better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you are not.

I used to believe that each person has an “other half” out there, a soul mate if you will, someone who was fused with you in heaven before you came down to earth and your mission should you choose to accept, is to find that person and discover the true meaning of life. Well, that was the wide eyed dreamy me. Somewhere between being cheated on and cheating everything changed. This world has triumphantly lead me to believe that it is but men who are the objects and they are classified, profiled and predictable. To be happy you should your brains not your heart. In order to find the right man is to plan , scheme, seduce , win and keep. It is Eve’s fate to spend the rest of her life working hard tormenting body and soul to do so. This is what this article is based on.

For I am slowly losing this firm belief of mine. And I decided to impart some of my wisdom to those who need it before I turn into yet another sucker for love.

A half breed’s Ten commandments for finding, bagging and keeping Mr. Right.

I : Thou shall know thyself.

If you’re not there yet like most of us then try your best to list down what you are certain of. History plays a major part here and there is no room or time for denial. Ask those close to you to help and be serious about being honest. Most of us already have at least one personality ( You know who you are!) and you have to know what kind of woman you are and differentiate that from the kind of woman you “wish” to be. Keep it real to close the deal.

Are you deep and mysterious? Are you bubbly champagne, crème’ burleigh or jello? There is a man for each. How do you communicate with people close to you? What is the mood that brings out the real uninhibited you? Are you into sports? Books? Are you the college professor type or the would- love- to –be a hooter’s girl? Such labels are important information that you need to establish about yourself before seeking the one who completes you.

II: Thou shall envision what they soul seeks .

You know how you lived your life so far. Observe, study, and evaluate. Are you contented? Are you restless? I’m not talking about wanting to travel or try new things , you can do that as intermissions in your basic lifestyle and it will be satisfactory. I am talking about the way you were brought up, the rules of your society the basis of what is normal and not normal to you. The level of exposure, education, the quality of people. The standard values and concept of family . The kind of relationships people have with each other. Tolerance, open mindedness, spirituality, think of what basics are a must to your existence, as a child, as a woman, as a wife. Realize that society affects the way of man’s thinking, find the social set up of how you want your partner’s mentality to be like. This will help you start at the right place . WHERE to find him.

III: Thou shall make him covet you as wife. .

First and foremost be prepared to know and execute the golden rule: A lady in the living room and a whore in the bedroom. Accept this. Don’t even start your search if you don’t.

Ok, LONG TERM planning is crucial for upholding this commandment . What are you willing to do for your man? How comfortable are you wearing an apron? What does home mean to you? Do you want to lead or be lead? Do you want your man to be powerful and more capable or does that make you feel less? I used to think that I deserved a powerful prominent figure who can make things happen at the snap of his fingers, then slowly I came to realize that that kind of man is exactly who I shouldn’t even look at ! I needed someone to emotionally and morally support and understand me, someone who will be there when I want to go to Spain or needed a change in lifestyle. If you’re a restless wonderer, an adventurous soul , a tied up man with obligations and responsibilities towards others , a routine and predictable life will never do but if you want security , stability , a profile to keep up with and a failure proof 10 year plan then by all means. Go for the rich “Donald Trump” Business man tycoon type.

IV: Thou shall love his life as thy neighbor. .

By now you have an idea, more or less, about what kind of man you intend to track and haunt down for yourself for the rest of your life. Now is the time to seek him out. Find out where these men hang out, what they do in their free time, their interests, their clubs, their lifestyles, find out what they eat and drink if you have to. Don’t just wait for the winds to blow him your way, ride the winds that blow in his direction. Live it, learn it. Love it. ( it being, his life)

V: Thou shall lead him into temptation.

Although these men are grouped in a category they are never the same. Men are visual beings it is just how they are. I once read that men are classified into “boobs men”, “legs men”, “butt men” etc… Brains men ? Very rare, sad but true . So what is your best asset? Use it to your advantage. The biggest tragedy is when you fall for a “boobs man“ let’s say and you’re virtually boobless! ( Plastic surgery is always an option, if you make it) you don’t need that heartache really. How do you find out what kind of man he is. I don’t know really, I have to be honest. But I know that you have to be one step ahead and never fall for a guy who doesn’t genuinely believe you’re his ultimate sex goddess because SEX IS WHAT MARRIAGE IS ABOUT. And shoot me if I’m wrong. It’s in the bible.. Go forth and multiply. So there!

VI: Thou shall bear false witness when it comes to his mother. .

Say what you will but winning her at this stage is a priority and if you don’t arm yourself then prepare to live in hell and eternal comparison. Don’t believe what he tells you. She is the woman in his life and accepting you tells him that the world is right. Unless of course she’s a crackhead but even so , if his mother occupies any space in his life. Figure out what that space is, what he needs from her and what he admires and loves about her and BE THAT. Don’t give me that “I won’t change for no one” crap! I’m not asking you to change , I’m asking you to be smart and win the main people in his life. People who he interacts with be it mom or dad, sister or brother, hell! be it his teacher when he was in 5^th grade! Being accepted and LIKED by the important people in his life is wins you half the battle.

VII: Thou shall not use thy Lord’s Faiths in vain.

Spirituality and religion- please know what you believe in or at least how open you are to change your beliefs and try to leave hints about your spiritual state and maybe even obligatory rituals that you don’t really perform but your grandmother thinks you do, Find out just how tolerant both of you are or how not for that matter. How much religion or the lack of it is expected to influence your life together, your kids’ upbringing and your personal journey to self fulfillment. I know it’s too much to handle but YOU HAVE TO think about these things before you screw up big time and end up getting married 3 times in three different manners!

VII: Thou shall share thy Lords final frontier.

Think about how much space you want between you two. How much you require rather, and what kind exactly can you both handle. Friends, interests, culture, hobbies…etc. Are you the type that takes “two become one” literally in every sense and can’t stand being left in the dark regardless of how interested or not you are about whatever it is anyway? Or are you the type who can’t stand to have someone in your face 24/7 no matter how much you love them or can’t live with out them and just needs to have personal space to feel decent ? This is important, important , important. I for one, find that space keeps things interesting and the flame alive. I don’t even think working in the same profession is healthy. Life is just like that. Familiarity breeds contempt and it is definitely rewarding to be your partner’s mentor and student at the same time. Learning from each other is far much better than competing against each other. Positive competition or not! There still is a winner and a loser and that is bad.

IX: Thou shall Not lie ( about needing him ) nor be consumed by jealousy.

Maybe this shouldn’t be a commandment on its own. But I feel the need to relay. It is a common dilemma facing women today, too common infact and it affects only those who actually read more than the comic and horoscope section of the daily papers.

How much attention do you long for? And how do you express that longing? He has to know what you don’t show girl! A lot of “intellectual” modern day women find being needy pathetic. But deep down inside we all know that it is everything and the ONLY THING we need from men… to make us feel like women, right? So, how subtle are you? Are you driving him away with your “ I am not pathetic” attitude? Can he see through that? Make sure he does or it’s your demise…

What pushes your buttons? What makes you jealous? Jelousy is a really ugly and destructive feeling and the reason why it’s in this commandment is that same as being needy, being jealous of someone “ beneath you” is pathetic too and no matter how much you hurt you simply can’t show the guy what an insecure emotionally unstable wreck you are so we choose to suffer in silence after all hinting and PMSSING fails. Is it our fault they’re just dense? Maybe… Just make sure he is aware of that part in you. He might be doing a lot of things un intentionally and that’s why men never understand women. If you can’t bring yourself to tell him why you all of a sudden out of the blue just turn ice queen on him the other night after that dinner , write it.. Have a diary and intentionally lose it , Hell ! Even leave it open on a page you want him to read. Let a friend causally make remarks. Believe me, keeping up the “xena warrior princess “ act can stop a lot of things you fantasies from coming true, or worse yet kill a relationship! Women are sensual, sexual and insecure. We just can’t admit it. And I for one will never either!

X: Thou shall maintain and renovate the Lords temple to keep up with the times .

Variety and surprise. Be spontaneous. One of you should have that spirit if you realistically, practically and sexually want to live happily ever after. Most of the time us women do better in this department ( we can turn from blond to brunette in minutes) and once he picks up on your lead then it’s a match made in heaven. Good luck!

The Maria in me

2006-09-02T12:19:00.000-07:00

I would like to believe that I'm in love. With someone I don't know and who didn't figure in my plans at all. All these months of self-control, of denying love, have had exactly the opposite result: I have let myself be swept away by the first person to treat me a little differently.

All my life, I thought of love as some kind of voluntary enslavement. Well, that's a lie: freedom only exists when love is present. the person who gives him or herself wholly, the person who feels freest, is the person who loves most wholeheartedly.
And the person who loves wholeheartedly feels free.
That is why, regardless of what I might experience, do or learn, nothing makes sense. I hope this time passes quickly, so that I can resume my search for myself – in the form of a man who understands me and does not make me suffer.
But what am I saying? In love, no one can harm anyone else; we are each of us responsible for our own feelings and cannot blame someone else for what we feel. No one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone.
That is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it.

He's seeing my soul, my fears, my fragility, my inability to deal with a world which I pretend to master, but about which, I know nothing.

I've learned that waiting is the most difficult bit, and I want to get used with the feeling, knowing that you're with me, even when you're not by my side.

Passion makes a person stop eating, sleeping, working, feeling at peace. A lot of people are frightened because, when it appears, it demolishes all the old things that it finds in its path.
No one wants their life to be thrown into chaos. That is why a lot of people keep that threat under control, and are somehow capable of sustaining a house or a structure that is already rotten. They are the engineers of the superseded.
Other people think exactly the opposite: they surrender themselves without a second though, hoping to find in passion the solutions to all their problems. They make the other person responsible for their happiness and blame them for their possible unhappiness. They are either euphoric because something marvelous has happened or depressed because something unexpected has just ruined everything.
Keeping passion at bay or surrendering blindly to it – which of these two attitudes is the least destructive?

I don’t know.

* From Eleven Minutes- Paolo Cohelo

Check-in to check out

2006-08-31T23:29:00.000-07:00

The rain is pouring

Thoughts are rushing

Throbbing

Gushing

Thrusting

Flooding her mind.

A phone call

A memory

A place

A haunting past

A mother’s wrath

Judging eyes

Honesty, secrets, lies.

True friends

Love, Humanity, Womanhood

Surrounded but alone… literally alone.

These hands are to blame

Yet with no shame

I stand my ground

Makes it sound

Like it’s anything and everything else …

I can’t bring me down

A glass

A laugh

An innocent attempt

Overwhelmed with emotions

She needs them to stop

Stop feelings stop!!

“Leave me alone

I’m out numbered by you

I have to be numb”

Crash and burn

An uncontrolled cry

Succumbing , defeated

Tears can no longer hide

Tears oh no.. gasps and wails

Echoes of all that pained her days

Body aching..........

A thousand knives cut through her veins

It’s over now

tears washed by the rain

“ role model” façade, she had to regain

Slowly she crawls , she needs to float

The pool is dead, the night is cold

Into the tub she submerges her limbs

Surrendering her body , warm natal bliss

An empty shell, again, ready to endure

This is how it is

How, she’s not sure

In her life a pattern

Once upon a hotel room

Where she unloads, reloads and

And makes peace with the moon.

Hollywood stars express their opinions about the war in Lebanon.

2006-08-23T19:38:00.000-07:00

HMPH!! I never really liked GAY Tom Cruise Anyway!!!! But Keanuuuuuuuu huhuhuhuh WHYYYY??? I hate you! Harrison Ford!!! There goes my Fave Airforce one movie and Arnold Shut up!! You're a dumb ass! Mind your own Biz! Sandra!!! Well.. well.. miss world peace my ass! Dustin.. I misjudged you man.. and Mel...I'm your patriot!!:), Sean, stop playing with words and wake up and Richard Gere!!! hmph! Well what do u expect from someone who patronizes prostitution .. no offense pretty woman. George Clooney.. I love you man! Angelina.. You're a Slut but I admire you more everyday.. and Anthony Hopkins.. I always looked up to you. Al Pacino... wish you were my God father... Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

To that rest of the ignorant hollywood haterssssssssssssssssssssss..... If you had substance you wouldn't be living a lie in the first place!!!!

اراء العديد من نجوم هولييود من مؤيد لاسرائيل او
مؤيد للبنان او محايد
فكانت هذه اراء بعض الممثلين

توم كروز:

العرب هم مصدر الارهاب لانهم لم يتركو احد لم يتهجموا عليه
واتمنى لاسرائيل ان تبيد حزب الله
The Arabs are the source of terrorism, they don't spare anyone without attacking them.

I hope that Israel destroy all of them.

انطونى هوبكينز:

اسرائيل اسمها يعنى الحرب والخراب ونحن ( امريكا )السبب
وراء هذه الحرب وانا اخجل من كونى مواطن امريكى

Israel means war and destructions and we Americans are behind this war and I am ashamed of being American.

ويل سميث

الطرفين خاطئين ويجب ايقاف هذه المذبحه باى طريقه

Both sides are wrong and the killing must be stopped.

انجلينا جولى

: العرب والمسلمين ليسوا ابدا ارهابيين ويجب ان يتحد العالم امام اسرائيل

Arabs and Moslems are not terrorists. The world should unite against Israel.

جورج كلونى

: بوش وشارون وبلير واولميرت وكونزيليزا ريز اسماء سيظل
التاريخ يلعنها

Bush, Sharon, Blair and Rice are names that history will damn,

ريتشارد غير

ا لعرب هم عاله على العالم ويجب ابادتهم جميعا

Arabs are burden on the world and should be annihilated.

شين كونرى

نتكلم الان من منطلق القوه فماذا لو كنا نحن الاضعف

We are talking from the point of strength, what if we were the weak ones?

ميل جيبسون:

اليهود هم مصدر خراب الارض واتمنى ان احارب ضدهم

Zionists are the source of destructions, I wish I can fight against them.

رالف فينس

اصبحنا نعيش فى غابه القوى ياكل الضعيف ولسنا بافضل من العرب
لكى نحتقرهم .

الباتشينو:

انظروا لتاريخ اسرائيل لتعرفوا من هم الارهابيين
Take look at Israel's history and you would know who is the terrorist

داستين هوفمان

لم يعد هناك وجود للانسانيه بسبب وجود اسرائيل

Humanity seized to exist when Israel was established.

كيانو ريفز

لو كان العرب هم الاقوى لابادوا دول العالم جميعا لذا يجب
ابادتهم

If the Arabs are strong enough, they would destroy the whole world,therefore, we should annihilate them.

هارسون فورد:

العرب مخلوقات بشعه واقل من الحيوانات ونحن اليهود اصل هذه
الدنيا فلا توجد مقارنه

Arabs are dirtier creatures than animals and we Jews are the chosen people, there is no comparison

ارنولد شوارزنيجر:

العرب هم الارهابيين واسرائيل تحاول ان تجعل العالم
اكثر امانا فالى الامام يا اسرائيل

The Arabs are terrorists and Israel is making the world a safer place.Well done Israel.

ساندرا بولوك:

لا اعلم الكثير عن الموضوع ولكن يجب انهاء هذه الحرب فورا
لوقف الدماء من الطرفين فالجانبين بشر

I don't know much about the subject but the war should end to stop the blood shed on both sides.

Giving faith a chance

2006-08-22T20:05:00.000-07:00

Trust...
Anticipation..
Excitement..
Fear...
Hope..
Direction...
Doubt..
Strength..
faith...

The nights roll by

A hundred years each night it seems
The waking agony of a blissful dream

If I could forward time til the day
The precious time I’d forward away

The only truth that my heart awaits
Is on its way to determine my fate

And I can’t help but toss and turn
Every inch of my body aching to learn

To touch, to feel to see if it’s real
Does this love transcend through all it reveals?

Before I know it , he says he’ll be near
To be in your arms, to hold you my dear

Two hearts as one was only a dream
Counted are the days and endless they seem

And counting I am, That’s all I do
Second after second waiting for you

Lord give me strength to wake up each morn
Hold me together until his return

Make my plan yours for once
Give me this, and i'll give faith a chance.

Of faith and prayer: A half breed's guide to spirituality

2006-08-19T09:41:00.000-07:00

Conversation with a long lost friend

I said: Life is full of surprises!! That's life ....only constant thing in it is change. All u can do is your best and pray.

She said: but how can you pray if you don´t have 100% faith

I said: u pray that faith will come to u and show that u have good intentions and ask God to make u feel it

She said: ok.. funny I always thought it's the other way around.

She said: But there is no where else to start is there now?
I'll go for it, I tried everything else.

I said: prayer isn't an act of faith dear

I said: its just a ritual that can help u have faith
through miracles

I said: and when u get those miracles.. ull realize
She said: alright I think I know what you’re saying

I said: Yes, you will realize that it was the prayer that made it possible just asking God for something

I said:and when u see prayer work..then u will have faith..
I said: u need it now more than ever.. pray that everything will be alright and to give u strength to face what u must and make u wise for the both ur futures

She said: I hope you are right. Please pray for me while you are at it.

Faith without prayer is a totally different level of spirituality compared to prayer without faith. Look at all those people just doing rituals with no deep feelings towards it, I’d rather be connected deep inside with God than just be action oriented. Perfection is to be both.. but then again… Nobody is perfect!

Prayer is a conversation with God, to feel his presence, to approach him like little children with all hope and persistance. If Parents can't deny their children something that's good for them, how can God deny his followers what is best for them too?

Sometimes we think we know what is best for us, but only God knows that. So if things don't go the way you plan, be thankful that God is guiding you to what is best for you. You may not understand it at the moment but in time.. you shall realize that all things happen for a reason and if you deserve something for being good , Remember that God is the ultimate goodness and he shall reward you in the end.

No regrets. No mistakes. No despair. There is wisdom behind all that happens and the wisdom is behind who you are today.

There are two schools of thoughts when it comes to the human conscience or ( self). One is that it is innately good and therefore, let your conscience be your guide. The other is the opposite. Don't follow your mortal desires. Which then is the truth?

It depends on your faith. Are you more Godly? or wordly? It's not rocket science.

Get it?

Three men and a Lady

2006-08-16T05:01:00.000-07:00

A thread of smoke, a lady in the dark
Carefully searching , picking her heart

This lady is not sure of what to choose
She’d rather not. But has no time to loose

A lady different from all the rest
Now is the time she’s put to the test

Three men in her life, each has his mess
3 men in her life, south ,east and west

3 stories unfold, 3 parts of her life
3 worlds she had roamed,sleepless nights

She found in the south a simple man
Food at the table, a conventional stand
He had a big family, a powerful clan
He made her secure , everything had a plan..
But the south was really never so grand
Predictable and controlled, they all were the same man!
Something was missing , a need of another kind
she would have dismissed it, but she couldn’t dismiss the mind
He didn’t appreciate her, for what she is
Her individuality threatened his life of bliss
He thought of her restless, young and bold
Fickle minded and naive, yet a master of words
But she couldn’t help it, a thousand thoughts
To be with him meant, for her dreams to be lost
He knew what he had to do, before she’d explode
And so he allowed fate to take it’s own course
So he took his chances and opened the door
Go find what your looking for , then come back to my world.

The East was a mystery, by its enchantment she was thrown
A memory from the past , a place she once called home
Tantalized were her senses, sights, sounds and smell
No rational explanation for all the senseless sense
Slowly engulfed in another state of mind
The East was a fountain of honey and wine
But too much wine clouded her sight
From it’s lies and deceit she was totally blind
For poems are mere words lost in their lines
The despair of drunkards denying their crimes
The beckoning of an angel, guides her way out
but too late to save her , from her consuming doubt
From the golden cage she flew away
Never to return to the East one day

But the East still haunts her , as the sun rises each day
A constant reminder of the price she had to pay
Take what you want, she tells him each day
Take what you will but please go away!

So those are the first two men in her life
Both of them claim the lady as wife
The first will never know her, she can’t live a lie
And the second is a mad man, terror in her life!

Between these two she sealed her fate
wounded and broken, for anything else it's too late.
Then one day, with no furthure a due
The winds of the west, towards her flew

The third man in her life, a miracle to behold
She found him wrapped in the depths of her soul
Deep as the ocean and vast as the sky
A window to her soul, truth can’t be denied
The west was not a place she wanted to try
She knew all to well what there she will find
She already had herself, a mix of two worlds
She’s not about to commit suicide, add a new load
She knows it’s not right , to even feel
She had so much shit, she had to get real
Try as she can to act it’s alright
Her every hour was the west in her mind
Never in her life did she think she will find
To feel what she feels, It must be a crime!

For now she’s stuck, he’s the one in her life
Consumed by this feeling of doubt, hope and fright!
She can’t explain it , no words can describe
Everything made sense, as time flew by
Each day a promise of love, joy and life

What she feels for him can not be explained
It’s too real, to deep, to impossible....

But will it remain?

Written in the stars

2006-08-14T20:21:00.000-07:00

Star light, star bright
first star I see tonight
I wish I may, I wish I might
have the wish I wish tonight

I wish to me that life be kind
I wish to rest my heart and mind

I wish to be content , to sleep at night
I wish to stop reaching for what's out of sight

I wish to be happy, that simple right
I wish to live in black and white

I wish to have faith, the kind that's blind
I wish I didn't worry about losing my mind

I wish you'd shine down on me
I wish you'd show me, the way to that LIGHT.

A theocracy in denial

2006-08-14T03:17:00.000-07:00

The Kingdom of Saudi Arabia , the birthplace of Osama bin Laden, an educated sensible and respected businessman from a wealthy and privileged family whose violent fundamentalism is still considered by many Saudis as justified!

Fact: Every Saudi family has a couple of Osama’s in it and for them, that’s not a bad thing. In fact, other members of that same family might even serve as guarantors and promoters for the way their selfless God fearing Osama’s chose to lead their lives. Western contempt and hate is only the tip of the iceberg…. Bigger shit is hidden behind closed bedroom doors and twisted interpretations of Islamic moral values.

Submission to God turns into a submission to Satan.

Satan’s religion? Control, power, wealth….. POLITICS.

Islam is a way of life. Separation of Church and State is a crime against God. Faith is not only believing in the sovereign power of the one true God, nor is it performing all the rituals with diligence and humble piety .

To be a Muslim is to be controlled. To be controlled by believeing that you are the one in control.

Islam, a religion for all space and time shows you how to live even when you’re sleeping. It is safe, considerate, predictable and in the wrong minds.. oh so very dangerous.

You think you know something by heart, that your innate conscience and perception of Good and Evil might mean something.
Then they tell you you’re wrong . They tell you it’s the devil at work again, It's your "inclined -to -evil" human nature, your ever ungodly carnal desires .

So, Where to seek truth? Go to the “ Holy ones” those who are guided by the hand of God , those whom their hearts haven’t been wrapped in doubt and despair. Go to those who love God so much that God loves them more than the rest of us in return , you can just see the light of heaven shine from their constantly abluted faces. They are the Ulamas, the sheikhs and mufti’s. For your soul and reason are not worthy to judge what God wants. How dare you take your lord’s judgment as an equal to your own imperfect mortal claims?

A Muslim’s individual, familial, sexual, social, financial and political life is governed by Islam. Not as he knows it, but as what it is unanimously agreed upon to be. Not by the Muslim population as a whole, heaven’s no! Quantity is never over quality here , and only a few well learned scholars can see the great wisdom behind the true meaning of an Islamic way of life.

Where do these heavenly individuals hail from? And who aids them in their spiritual journeys so that they may one day come back to save us innocent ignorant ?

Saudi Arabia houses two of the three Islamic holiest places, the third being in Palestine. And yes, as open minded as I am , I don’t call it Isra-fuckin-ill .

Saudi Arabia naturally is responsible for the protection and maintenance of these sacred locations. The king is called “ Custodian of the two holy mosques”.

Islamic knowledge and preaching would therefore spring from these mosques. The funding would be available to expand their scope all around the world. Hence, the influence of the minority.

Kingdom of Saudi Arabia. “Saudi” because of the house of Al’ Saud. The family responsible for taming and uniting the bedouin tribes of Arabia.

Kingdom… by force, all subjects will obey the monarch.

Means of control and excuse for committing heinous crimes against those who threaten the throne- RELIGION. ( as usual)

Al-Saud- The warrior, The Brawn ( Saudi Arabia)

Abdul-Wahab- The religious savior-The Brains ( Whabbism)

Religious blackmail? Does it exist?

SA'UDI-WAHHABI Backgrounder ( That explains it!)
Source : Madawi al-Rasheed's A History of Saudi Arabia Cambridge University Press, 2002.

It is well-known that Ibn Sa'ud, the founder of the modern state that bears his name, conquered the peninsula in the 1920s with the aid of a tribal military formations known as ikhwan. Mudawi al-Rasheed points out that equally important in securing the establishment of Sa'udi rule over the diverse tribes of the Arabian peninsula was the system of part-time clerical authorities peculiar to central Arabia:

A mutawwa' 'was a member of the hadar sedentary population who had acquired a religious education after a period of study with a distinguished member of ‘ulama [religious scholars] based in the main towns of southern Najd mainly Riyadh and Qasim ‘Unayzah after which he became a specialist in jurisprudence and matters relations to ‘ibada Islamic rituals... a volunteer who enforced obedience to Islam and performance of its rituals...

Historically Najdi men of religion often studied, taught and applied Hanbali fiqh [school of law] only, and considered other branches of the religious and linguistic sciences as intellectual luxuries that were not needed in their own society...' The mutawwa'a were ' "religious ritual specialists", or simply "ritual specialists"... with limited expertise in theology. They practised their expertise in conjunction with agriculture and trade.’

Although they taught submission to God, 'in practice they implied that without submission to the political authority of Ibn Sa‘ud, the faith and deeds of Muslims would be threatened.’ ‘they often had to use violence against those who refused to submit to their authority’, including ‘publicly lashing those who violated their code of behaviour... These ritual specialists became the nucleus of the Committee for the Propagation of Virtue and Prohibition of Vice. -- (The most uncivilized, narrowminded, logiclly-challenged uneducated savages ,who look for trouble more than prevent it.Personal opinion)

The problem for Ibn Sa'ud as he set out to build a kingdom, was that his base was a small, isolated settled community in the central Najd region of Arabia. It lacked the strong kinship ties to powerful non-settled bedouin tribes needed to create the kind of powerful alliance needed to conquer the peninsula. Solution? Religious authority.

‘The enforcement of ritualistic Islam by the Najdi mutawwa‘a was significant in the process of state formation. Between 1902 and 1932 the regime of “discipline and punishment” enforced by the mutawwa‘a who were constantly preoccupied with ritualistic Islam was essential for domesticating the Arabian population into accepting the political authority of Ibn Sa‘ud after he captured Riyadh in 1902.’ They declared him imam. ‘The symbolic title of imam granted him a most needed legitimacy. In return, the mutawwa‘a were assured of sympathetic political and military leadership.’

( They still have this arrangement as the descendants of Abd-Alwahhab still command the religious council and the king himself can't do anything about it, My Conclusion : Faith out-lives the best of men ... duh)

‘It seems that before Ibn Saud captured Riyadh, the mutawwa‘a were lacking in prestige and authority’, sometimes expelled from tribal confederations, just as their founder Muhammad ibn ‘Abd al-Wahhab had been expelled from ‘Uyahnah in the eighteenth century. 'Having lost their material wealth, prestige and status in the nineteenth century, the mutawwa‘a were predisposed to accept a political figure who promised not only their salvation but also a reversal of their misfortune.’ ‘Ibn Sa‘ud enlisted them in the service of his domain as he employed them and paid their salaries in cash and kind. He thus transformed them into full-time religious ritual specialists, loyal to him and dependent on his resources. In return, Ibn Sa‘ud was guaranteed the political submission of the Arabian population under the guise of submission to God.’

The mutawwa‘a also collected zakat tribute or taxes for the central government.
‘Often the mutawwa‘a arrived among the tribal confederations before Ibn Sa‘ud’s raiding troops... They were probably ‘confined to teaching the Qur’an and ‘ibada [Islamic rituals]... In addition, they preached the importance of obedience to wali al-amr, leader of the Muslim community. Obedience should be manifested in readiness to pay him zakat and respond to his call for jihad. Both zakat and jihad were at the heart of the Wahhabi idea of the state, and were considered crucial mechanisms for its consolidation.

‘The mutawwa‘a also played a crucial role in the creation of the ikhwan fighting force’ with which Ibn Sa‘ud conquered his kingdom. Tribal confederations were persuaded to settle in villages known as hujjar, a word that ‘evokes the early migration of the Prophet Muhammad from Mecca to Madina where he established the first Muslim community in the seventh century... Those who agreed to settle and endorse the mutawwa‘a’s teaching became known as ikhwan.’ They became the fierce fighting core of Sa'udi power.

‘With the ikhwan, the tension between central power and the tribal periphery, which had plagued previous Sa'udi emirates and had often led to their demise, was partially overcome. Ibn Sa‘ud incorporated the tribal confederations in a semi-permanent force, which was not meant to disperse after raids against settlements or confederations.’

‘While the mutawwa‘a exerted mental coercion among those whom they were meant to educate in Islamic rituals, the ikhwan practised physical coercion among people in Arabia... The ikhwan carried out public prosecutions and looted and plundered the towns and their inhabitants. They became known in Arabia as jund al-tawhid, the soldiers who enforced the doctrine of the oneness of God.’ ‘Their uncompromising attitude and ability to inflict severe punishment created an atmosphere of fear and apprehension among people. Their reputation travelled fast in Arabia even before they arrived at the gates of oases and towns.’

That's how we came to linking terrorism to Islam.

Alas, I conclude this yet again, another triumphant attempt to uncover the reasons behind the twisted minds of the people around me and I say to them this :

There are things that we weren’t taught at school. The Truth is always sought, never spoon fed and yes… we are not the Muslims that God wanted us to be.

Jeddah 2006, a long way from tribal towns and oases yet merely a footstep away from 1920.

My Evil Twin: Slowly picking me apart: Beyond repair: Why are we friends?

2006-08-06T22:35:00.000-07:00

A half-breed's personal guide to real life

2006-08-04T17:43:00.000-07:00

You can never learn from others’ mistakes. The magnitude of the mistake lies in the reason behind it. And that is so very subjective.

You can never play according to the rules. The rules depend on the game. Master a few games and you can get away with almost anything. Including murder.

Don’t look inside yourself for the answers.. that’s bullshit. The answer is outside of you, if you knew the answers you wouldn’t be looking for them in the first place! It’s not about you. It’s about the others. The world around you. In sociology I learned that a person is a sum of all his experiences and acquaintances. His spirituality, norms and obligations are dictated by the people around him. Therefore, the inside is governed by the outside right? Look for the world you want to be part of, go to it and there you will find the answers.

Life is so full of different games and playgrounds. Stick to one game, one playground and then your justifications I will accept. Don’t justify polygamy to me using Islam, when you are not a Muslim.

If what is clear and simple to you is vague and complicated to me. Don’t be disappointed. It has nothing to do with intellect. It may be the curse of being brilliant. Einstein had a hard time counting his change , so do I.

Mature. This word shouldn’t be a word. A person has to mature in a lot of things and it doesn’t happen at the same time. Physically, intellectually and socially are to name a few.

Well rounded- I thought of it as maturity but now I know that it is even more. To be have a well rounded personality is actually NOT POSSIBLE. Nobody is perfect. Intellectuals have minimum social skills, the religious have no clue about what’s really going on. Politicians are bound to get their hands dirty, mothers are biased when it comes to their kids, the under privileged have no etiquette, provincial people don’t have a sense of fashion….

Tolerance- It all boils down to this. You want to be mature, you want to be well rounded ? Be Tolerant. Be Human. Be sensitive to others around you, their circumstances, their backgrounds. Judge the whole picture not the moment. Understand that there are reasons behind how people act and why they’ve become what they are. Realize that beneath it all we are fundamentally the same, ruled by the same basic needs and emotions. She is a mother too, he is a brother too, We all strive for a better quality of life … Be tolerant. Don’t spoil the few moments you’ve been blessed with when all of you different people come together for one purpose, be tactful even if the person offending you is not. Don’t stoop to a lower level just to communicate your thoughts. If that’s the only way to get your point across let it be, walk away, you don’t need people like that in your life anyway! In the end, after the joys and tears, after all the years they will let you down. The longer it takes… the more disappointing it is. So spare yourself.

A letter to Anonymous

2006-08-03T02:47:00.000-07:00

It’s all been laid on the table. The ball was on your court.

No excuses. It’s been a week now.

No message, no letter, no messenger, no mediator.

You didn’t even try.

I wonder if you even thought about it.

Needed the presence, Feared the loss

I wonder if you felt something was missing

If it was worth the fall

When you look at his innocence

When you try to answer his questions

When you want to bring him somewhere, something

But it just aint the same without her, without us

It bothered me, when it didn’t really have you

But it didn’t bother you at all

Time forces us to define our stands

If we don’t eliminate what’s hopeless in our lives

Time will do it for us

Is this the time for you to be gone?

My heart can only carry so much

The moon shines on cancer

Emotions are tormenting my soul

Abandonment is something I had issues with

To be left or to leave behind

To be faced with the unknown

But now a star is guiding me

A little angel, Virgo’s hand shaping my role

Nothing was worth losing you my friend

Nothing was worth 2 scrapbooks, remnants bitter sweet memories

Our “light bulb“ moments together until we are old.

I believed in us for some reason

I believed in you girl

Never tried you for treason

No matter what I’ve been told

I brought you with me, against your will

I slapped you with reality, you faced the world

At times I was harsh, but you became stronger

You became part of the guild. I say guild and you know why

You had fun, we went wild, we gave our dreams another chance

You made true friendships, you feared people no more

You were you, unjudged, accepted and tolerated

Last night alone you were with Sara

And Caitlin tells me you chat at night too

I am glad. From my heart I’m happy for you

Every girl needs to have girls like them in her life ;)

I can’t imagine my life with out them

I learned a lot from you too and I am grateful

Realizations, appreciations, motivations, acceptance and a beautiful peak at what dreams my come…

A few lines from me to you Anonymous,

But they hold great great weight

What I learned is priceless

You taught me before it was too late

Through the life my soul is wandering

I thought I knew it all

Never did I see this coming.

Turning a blind eye was so wrong

Now look who is hurting

Vulnerable when I need to be strong

I don’t know what else to tell you

So if this is it, farewell and so long ….

Thanks for the memories Anonymous.

Thanks for helping building who I am today

Funny how after all these years, your name just says it all.

To Kill A Gossiping Bird

2006-08-02T01:19:00.000-07:00

Dealing with gossip is a fact of life. It can rule your life if you don't rule it. I know someone who is so paranoid about people talking about her or looking at her that she misses out on so much including good company when we go out because she invests her time and energy worrying about what people are saying or why they are staring at her ( if they are !!) so she seems snobbish and arrrogant to others when infact she is just shy and intimidated.

Overall effect: "Who is she?, With whom did she come?, How come we've never seen her around before? Does she think she's better than us ?Wha her problem?" GOSSIP!

The satisfaction of gossip is drawn from the need to feel more fortunate than the subject being gossiped about. By establishing flaws, attacking character, criticizing actions etc..

I believe that anyone who gossips or spreads info ( regardless of authenticity) knowing the damage it will cause is an unfulfilled loser with nothing better to do in life , probably incompetent , insecure and one who tends to establish success by pointing others failures.

Fact of life- If she talks bad about others, she’ll talk bad about you to others ... one day.

The only way to kill gossip ( assuming it’s true) is to ignore it. After of course, destroying all the evidence.

Don’t even ask about it-
Opening it up will make you susceptible to be asked back.
People will be interested why you did. The fact you’re worried is juicy.
You might say something that will incriminate you since you’ll be trying to explain yourself.
Don’t deny it either-
Why are you defensive? It shouldn’t bother u if it isn’t true.
Denying it is hearing your side of the story- back to the gossipers
If you get caught red handed one day- You’ll be liar. There goes your character.
Ignore it.
If it doesn’t exist to you then it is not real ( to others).
It will be boring after awhile, people will start to think it might have not been true in the first place.
Gossip will die and be forgotten without your input.
Turn the table around.
If you find yourself in the situation. Act shocked and disappointed. Get mad. Don’t get in to the discussion and shut them up by “ How dare you even think that I would ever….” “Don’t you know me at all?” and walk out. “Well…. Good you did anyway, at least now I know you!” hehehehe.
Project otherwise-
Gossip is based on the superficial . It never cared about intentions or boring logical justifications.
It’s all about the obvious, unexplained, assumptions, theories and juicy details of what is against society’s norms, what is rebellious, what is unaccepted, what is forbidden.

So what is it you are being gossiped about? Project otherwise!
I’m not saying pretend or be in denial or lie NO.
Just hide that little secret of yours and accentuate the opposite a bit. It’s like using make up to draw attention away from your not so attractive features. You do that right? You care about how you physically project yourself to others, do the same with the intangible.

If they say you are:

Having an affair- Don’t act all affairy with him, lose the touching and smooching, be professional .. heheh
You’re getting bankrupt- Talk about where you wanna go this summer and how excited you are. Even if you know your not going anywhere, there’s no harm in hoping and positive thinking worked miracles.
Getting kicked out of school becoz you’re dumb- Talk about being interested in taking up another course and how something woke upsomething inside of you, you never knew how much inclination you had towards the arts ;)
You know….

Things like that. Don’t be a hypocrite and say something you don’t believe in . Say the things you mean, there is always something positive in every situation.

The last straw...

2006-07-29T03:27:00.000-07:00

I just sent the longest sms message I ever sent in my entire life.

It wasn't the boyfriends you cheated on me with.
It wasn't the secrets that you kept.
It wasn't your mood swings or your lies
It wasn't your unthoughtfulness or side comments.

I tried to make u love yourself
I tried to give you a family, friends,hope
I tried to show u a different point of view, a better life

I shared with you my secrets, my deepest thoughts, my soul
I shared with you my philosphies , my dreams, my fears
I shared with you my spirituality, my weaknesses

It wasn't that u never did appreciate it
It wasn't that you never really changed
It wasn't that you kept on hurting me
It wasn't that I had to be patient

The last straw was when...
you turned your back on me.

A frustrated mad scientist

2006-07-25T02:58:00.000-07:00

There’s a day in every year. A day when you are older. When you feel you are older. When you look at yourself and think about where you are and how far you have gone. A day when you think about where you planned you would be exactly a year ago. A day when it’s not funny anymore. When people around you think of what you’ll all be doing that night and all you can think of is what you will be doing every night after that.

A little girl once asked me, “When did God make us?”. I was tongue tied! Where do I start? Adam and Eve? Evolution? After the dinosaurs?

I told her, “ God made us on our birthdays”. She didn’t’ ask too many follow up questions.

That day. The day I officially existed. Presumably with a purpose, so unique and so different from any other in this world, created for a reason. And that reason was definitely not the mere uncalculated results of human mating. No, it was a preordained existence, it was written.

My first breath marked the coming of a powerful force that had the potential to alter the course of history . The moment I was born was the moment another probability was added to the fate of human existence. That probability was to be the meaning of a life. My life.

Cheers to mi vida! Salud! BUWAHAHAHAHAHAH

Lady in the Sand

2006-07-24T22:17:00.000-07:00

Lady in the sand
Where lies her destiny?
All she knows is that she has to go
And come back to be free

What she needs to know
Who she’s supposed to meet
Clues and puzzles incomplete

She needs a guardian , a protector to be safe
She needs a healer for when it’s almost too late
She needs a guild, people, for social she is
She needs an interpreter, someone who understands what she wills

Lady in the sand
Innocent as can be
Does not know the ugliness
Her path could turn to be

War, hope, broken dreams
To change the world
Is her destiny

Yes she is different
Her blood is of another world
But in her indifference is strength
For the world to behold

Lady in the sand
Every night she prays
For strength when time
makes her enemy, her name

Lady in the sand
Will she ever be free?
Lady hang on
Your freedom is near

AIESEC International

2006-07-21T23:34:00.000-07:00

I was recently invited to give a talk to a bunch of enthusiasts about my old university club AIESEC

I have been so busy with a couple of projects for the last weeks and this was the last thing I needed. Nevertheless, I was thrilled. I ended up putting a speech together in less then 2 hours. Thank God for Laptops and frappucinos!
Despite the short notice and eyebags I had to gracefully display that day. It was an enlightening experience. Plus... Who gets to talk to the same body that influential people address regularly?!?

Some of my thoughts about this encounter:

You are better than what you think you are.
Sometimes it takes strangers to tell you who you are or what you can do.
It's one thing to toot your horn, it's another when others toot it for you
It's the time and situation that makes a decision right or wrong.
You're not as fucked up as you think you are.
Time makes you forget, but your achievements remind you once in a while
Nothing is a waste of time. You learn from everything
Every minute is a chance to turn someone's life around.
It's never too late... ( That's something I have to keep telling myself)

WHERE THE FUCK WAS THE ARAB MEDIA??!?!

2006-07-16T03:44:00.000-07:00

Israel is attacking Lebanon !!!!!
No way!!
Yes and guess what! Saudi is justifying them.
Why?

Why are they supporting Israel?
cause they say that hizbullah should have not made the stike against the Israeli army

ok why did hizbullah make a strike against the army?
because israel army was pounding and striking against palisteneans civilians killing 50 of them everyday and no one is helping them, so hizbullah striked at north and took two israeli soldiers as prisonors.Israel already has 10000 lebanease prisoners that no one is asking about.

If Israel does so much to the Palistinians why doesnt it get out to the world? Why don't we know about it?
Media is controlled by the zionists it's selective....blah blah

Oh come on!! don't give me that shit!! Where is the ARAB media??!!! The gulf is fuckin rich enough to have 10 sattllites dedicated to recording and only recording whats going on over there EXCLUSIVELY! If we can show the world the shit Israel does they can't get away with it!!!

Yes they can!America is supporting them.
Did you even try?? How do you know??? Even if America supports them, if its obvious infront of the wolrd what they do they can't possibly back them up! Come on!!

Well maybe...
Maybe???????? So what did we do about it? Waht are we doing about it? NOTHING!!! and now it's too late...

WHERE WAS THE ARAB MEDIA?

My bestfriend's family is trapped in lebanon, her dad needs to go to the hospital twice a week and now they're stranded.

Who pays the price you rich Arab fucks? who pays the price of your ignorance and selfishness?
Not even one of all the 10001 Arabian shiekhs and billionnairs or even a group of them could dedicate full blown media coverage to Palistine and broadcast Israel's atrocities against their brothers!!! *Sick*

Where WAS THE ARAB MEDIA!?

AND NOW IT'S WAR!!! WHo is to blame??!?!? The fucking arab media is to blame!

HOW CAN SOMETHING SO SIMPLE BE SO GODDAMN HARD?!?!?!?!?!?

I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FACTS AND HISTORY press here

Jeddah Blog: A time bomb in the making?

2006-07-08T22:24:00.000-07:00

Jeddah blog has been born. Great for Jeddah, but is it great for us?

Excited bloggers ( including moi) can't wait to make it a daily read. After all,we are who we are and home is where the heart is no matter what. I was asked a couple of times if I were interested to join. Hell ya!! Who knows what this blog can achieve in the future, it might just be my magic lamp.

But wait a sec, lets give this some serious thought. Are we playing with fire? digging our own graves? Are we opening Pandora's box?

Sure we don't intend to post anything negative about Jeddah or it's people. We'll try our best to regulate it, tackle normal social and cultural issues, respect freedom of expression..etc. Jeddah blog by all means has the right to be all Sugar, spice and everything nice..

But what about our rights? Deny if you will, this is Saudi we're talking about and it's everything BUT normal and tolerant. ( recalls SaudiEve) Our personal blogs say enough and they WILL be exposed to all those who visit Jeddah blog, surely our thoughts, reflections and even morality will be on trial here and that can really compromise the blog's credibility.

Will we still be able to rant, curse, criticize and express our inner-most sentiments ? our way of living? the society we live in , our beliefs??

Are we unconsciously silencing ourselves, will we fall into the trap of slowly honing ourselves to what a representative of the city we all love "should" be like?

How far will Jeddah blog go? No one can tell.. How it can affect our existence as bloggers, I can only wonder....

Update:

I should have posted this update a couple of weeks ago :

Looks like the gang changed it's Jeddah blog to :

http://jeddahsblog.wordpress.com/

See... told ya so! buwahahaha

2006-07-07T01:40:00.000-07:00

A reflection in the mirror
Dreams denied
A road untaken
a soul on trial

The sun is rising .. gone is the night
lost is all hope , herself she must find

Living to exist and not exisiting to live
an open door of what a woman could give

lost in the plot of a story untold
she bangs her head, tries be bold

To be of the masses and not the rule
is only a life but chosen by fools
She is the rule and she'll make them see
who she really is , she will be free

To fail again and prove them right
the thought just crushes her
in time she'll fight

And just incase they might be right
her silence will be heard
by the reflection in the mirror
in the silence of the night

Crisis management in a stick

2006-07-05T02:08:00.000-07:00

I'm having a crisis....
Anxiety is wrecking my nerves
It's been getting to me all day
I tried to take my mind of it
Denial till I pull myself together again
Regain my will, my passion to move forward
Superman did the trick for a few hours
Being with people, ANY kind of people does it
But now I am alone
Deafening silence
My conscience too cruel to me
Light a cigarette
My bestfriend , always there
strange comfort in smoking
it fools the little voice
"can't you see I'm busy?"
shoo, go away, im busy with my cigarette
Clock is ticking
It's only a matter of time

what americans think of arabs - white lies or mindless denials?

2006-07-03T11:07:00.000-07:00

Since we know what we all know ,lets take a look at what they know that they know..

GROWING AMERICAN OPINION OF ARAB;
1. They violate the rules of civilized behavior.
2. They fabricate cartoon like characterizations of America based on fantasy
and from a biased position of pre-hatred.
3. They look for faults in American culture and exaggerate them out of
proportion to the true value.
4. They hold Americans responsible for the acts of their government, taking
the law into their own hands and killing them without giving them a trial with
a chance to present a defense.
5. They criticize American culture and treat it as if it is their right to
judge whether it is good for other peoples of the world.
6. They purposely target innocent children and defenseless people who have
done nothing to them.
7. They are incapable of peaceful co-existance with people of other religions,
blaming Christians, Jews, and others for their problems. They shun friendly
interaction with non-muslims.
8. They are arrogant and act as if their view is the only one that matters.
9. They are antagonistic, using ridicule and belligerance as controlling and
bullying tactics.
10. They are cruel and sadistic, choosing punity over kindness to deal with
people who they call infidels.
11. They are racist, treating the racially mixed America as a land of devils
and decadance. They attempt to create pure Muslim states throughout the middle
east and murder, drive away or harass those who are not Muslims there.
12. They think they are holier than anyone else and that everyone else is
beneath them.
13. They criticise Americans for being addicted to oil and then take advantage
of them and overcharge them for it. They don't offer any alternative to oil.
14. They ask Americans to help them with their problems and then slap them in
the face for doing so.
15. They invite Americans into their country and then criticize them for being
there.
16. They want American tourists to spend their money in the Middle East and
then have disgust for them for having money to spend.
17. They want to have a high quality life and then criticize Americans for
making it possiblee.
18. They secretly want what Americans have, but are not willing to work for it.
19. They think that Americans owe them something, but don't know what it is
they deserve.
20. They think Americans have wrongly given them a bad reputation and don't
know that they have earned it.
21. They don't understand the importance of a friendly attitude and they mostly
are mouthy smart asses to non-muslims.

Personally I agree with ALL of the ABOVE except the puprosely targetting women and children thinggie..

Lets see who can defend what...

Selling women... a cultural art, a modern trend, nature?

2006-07-02T23:19:00.000-07:00

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit... I was going to bitch about an article i just read in Arabnews entitled "Infatuated Mule Gives Girl, 5, Love Bite" and go on about how Saudi Arabia is the most sex oriented , maniac, perverted, horny,promiscuous, lesbian, abnormal, ANAL ( virginty issues) and orgy infested country in the world.

but hey... look at what was also on the same page...

Sunday, 2, July, 2006 (06, Jumada al-Thani, 1427)

Welcome to the Misyar Marriage Cafe
Arab News

JEDDAH, 2 July 2006 — The prayers of hot-blooded Jeddawi youths have been answered in the form of a marriage-fixer who frequents coffee houses across the city with an attractive portfolio of potential misyar brides. If you’re out with your friends for a bite to eat, a couple of drinks or even just to smoke a hookah then don’t be surprised to meet an old misyar-fixer who would graphically detail the benefits and delights in having a “no-strings attached” misyar babe — something that would make more than your hookah puff and bubble. According to Jeddawi’s, who have had an opportunity of reaching cloud nine through the services of the old man, the misyar-fixer’s portfolio contains details of women including photographs, ages, heights and sizes of shoes, hips and busts.
------end of article

I'm starting to believe women.. Saudi, Arab.. can't really put my finger on it ( there is the question of dumb blonds and hookers) enjoy being marketed as sex objects, sizes and vital statistics....Gawwddd bring back the middle ages and the vluptuous notion of beauty... sighhh

Are we , as most of the religious verdicts on the independent western woman state , In DENIAL? Are we really made to just please our men, bear kids, keep house and have some stupid hobby or useless work ( just to back up the " islam is not against a career woman part, but ahh... mind you though, u have no one to blame but yourself if he marries another as result of your negligence and selfishness?

Behind every man is a woman... in the above literal context ..shouldnt it the other way around? buwahwahahaha

evil laugh

I'm a BITCH and I'm loving it..

2006-07-01T01:11:00.000-07:00

When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch. When I stand up for those I love, they call me a bitch. When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts, or do things my own way, they call me a bitch.

Being a bitch entails raising my children to be strong people who have a solid sense of personal and social responsibility, who are not afraid to stand up for what they believe in and who love and respect themselves for the beautiful beings they are.

Being a bitch means that I am free to be the wonderful creature that am, with all my own intricacies, contradictions, quirks and beauty.

Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart. It means I live my life MY way. It means I won't allow anyone to step on me. When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak up against it, I am defined as a bitch. The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish.

I am proud to be a bitch! It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I "should" be. I am outspoken, opinionated, and determined. By God, I want what I want, and there is nothing wrong with that!

So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me. You won't succeed. And if that makes me a bitch, so be it. I embrace the title and am proud to bear it

images

I'm loving angels instead...

2006-07-01T00:29:00.000-07:00

1:00, 2:00,3:00, 4:00, 5:00 a.m

Alone with myself again
But I’ve been through this shit before
Spend my nights in self-defense
Cry about my innocence
But I’m not innocent anymore

Angels and Devils in black and white
Welcome! let’s begin
Battling thoughts of wrong and right
Disguised in grace and sin

I dream of silk and satin ,lying in my bed
Little angles in silence cry above my head
They tell me it’s all right
“We know who you are”

“Little girl be strong
You’ll find your guiding star”
The seed of hatred growing
I will not be an enemy of anything
No brains of mine are for washing
No spite I shall ever bring

Angels whispers hovering between
My left, my right and my heart
In the shadow of God’s unwavering love
Every day is a brand new start.

Love is torture ( where the hell is “tha”) الحب عداب

2006-06-30T00:03:00.000-07:00

Lame statement written all over the crummy allies and cheap streets of Jeddah.
Growing up I used to think to myself, “What the hell..?? Why is love torture, it’s supposed to be the most beautiful feeling in the world, love is a many splendored things, love lifts you up to where you belong !!!sheer joy and happiness. Everything here is so TWISTED.

10 years later as I pass by the graffiti infested walls of the remains of a forgotten past, I think again…

Perhaps it is I who were twisted, perhaps here, love IS torture.

A sinful, dirty, gayish, inhuman and evil view of love in the “Hell-awaited” infidel’s eyes:

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or conceited. Love is not proud or selfish. Love is not ill-mannered. Love is not irritable. Love does not hold a grudge. Love is not happy with evil. Love is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; its faith, hope and patience never fail." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
And yes… That’s from the bible.

SOoooo Evil twin.. so me

2006-06-29T02:08:00.000-07:00

You Have a Choleric Temperament

You are a person of great enthusiasm - easily excited by many things.
Unsatisfied by the ordinary, you are reaching for an epic, extraordinary life.
You want the best. The best life. The best love. The best reputation.

You posses a sharp and keen intellect. Your mind is your primary weapon.
Strong willed, nothing can keep you down. Your energy can break down any wall.
You're an instantly passionate person - and this passion gives you an intoxicating power over others.

At your worst, you are a narcissist. Full of yourself and even proud of your faults.
Stubborn and opinionated, you know what you think is right. End of discussion.
A bit of a misanthrope, you often see others as weak, ignorant, and inferior.

What Temperment Are You?

Excerpts from the past- I

2006-06-28T13:56:00.000-07:00

24Feb1996

“Tomorrow is the 25th and I will be here for exactly one miserable, stupid, no sense, lousy year. I hate it here. Everything sucks except school, it is my only love. I can’t imagine life without it. I’d commit suicide if we weren’t to have classes for more than a week! Yes, there are weirdos and stupid people too but at least you know you can handle them, they’re your age and you can speak the hell out of your mind and even get even”

“I owe my happiness in the…. To my school and Dance class, I get out of school , can’t come home early, don’t want to, I go straight to the gym, even if it means riding a bus and walking from… to … and getting blacker from the sun everyday. The spinster should be greatful for the money she saves not having to pick me up from.. anymore!

27Feb 1996

“ The only subjects I enjoy are math and science. I am quite concerned about my education though. It’s not that I don’t like it at … high , especially now that I’m so popular and I am having so much with everything. I’ll be graduating in a couple of years and it’s such a risk to transfer to.. I don’t want to take the chance. But God help me!! I hardly learn anything!! No seriousness , I can pass em all with projects and smiles!”

“ I want to be someone important when I grow up! I always imagined myself very very important, country can’t do with out me, I’ll be in the news and the UN will beg me to solve their issues. I’ll travel first class and always wear a suit. It’s my dream and it is planted now deeper than ever when Baba sent a tape and letter with the words I will never forget! “BE A DISTINGUISHED PERSON”. How can I be that when all I’m learning are the types of buffets , silverware and napkin folding and the making of an entrepreneur or whatever??” I guess I’ll just have to teach myself then don’t I? well.. life is full of tough choices.

“Talk about choices!!! What a choice! To leave my life and have a new one here. Who was I kidding? Myself!! I will never see them again, never ever ever never NEVER!!
What did you think mom? That I didn’t know that?! Well you were right! I DIDN”T!
Maybe I did, but I.. I didn’t! I didn’t really know how serious this is. Do you realize they were my life, There are things Jaddah taught me that you never could, Amma Fatma and I had secrets no one knew about!! Now I won’t ever see them, I didn’t even say goodbye ....
I am crying right not but I can’t do anything about it. It’s THE END.
“ Jaddah might ( God forbid) die anytime. I didn’t say goodbye and I hope she’s not mad at me. How I do!. I will never forget her, my grandmother, her stories, songs, the henna she was putting on me, the way she defended mw and mama always and everything, everything. She taught me how to braid. Anything I needed she’d give if she could. Oh why? Why is life like this? How I miss my life there, of course being 13 years old isn’t easy, especially if that’s all you have lived”

* Jaddah ( Allah yerhamdha) died that year. I "Accidentaly" found out 2 years after that.

He Loves me. He loves me not

2006-06-28T00:01:00.000-07:00

Today he holds me, believes me, trusts me, he respects me
Tomorrow he scolds me, mocks me, scorns me, he traps me

Today he listens to me, dreams with me, understands me, he secures me
Tomorrow he doubts me, blames me, contradicts me ,he judges me

Today he helps me, teaches me, supports me, he needs me
Tomorrow he forces me, ignores me, condemns me, he suffocates me

Today he saves me, energizes me, agrees with me, he knows me
Tomorrow he curses me, insults me, threatens me, he controls me

Today he destroys me
Tomorrow I find a better day

Today he surrounds me
Tomorrow I will break away

Self Evaluation..err Arabization

2006-06-27T02:06:00.000-07:00

A long time ago and so very far away, I used to be....

Smart— Believe it or not.. I am dumber now. Must be degenerating.

Confident- Being older and preferably wiser, I can’t understand why "some" people have a say on my decisions now!!

Ambitious- I don’t believe in my purpose as much as I did then. "wa makhalagtu aljinna wal insa illa liya3bodoon" dillema.

"You can't have everything" they say. " Don't go chasing illusions, this is just a passing world", " What you want isn't neccessarily the best for you"," Why subject yourself to temptation in a dirty, curropted, entailing to travel media atmosphere?", "Why live in a place where you can't freely express your beliefs?","What really matters is your home, your husband is your ticket to heaven" reasons, reasons and reasons to make me feel like the ultimate BITCH.

An over achiever- What is there to achieve now? I remember in my freshmen year, totally new to college and ready to show the world what i'm made of, I got on the Deans list the whole year just to prove my worth. I made it to the top and I loved it.

Socially active- Plays, competitions, stage presence, outreaches, clubs and organizations, school paper, Hell.. even the local city government knew my name!! Is it just me or do we just NOT expose who we truly are and are encouraged to lead secret private lives? Too many secrets, too many controllers, too many reasons to not be an open book. If you do something wrong DON'T TALK ABOUT IT people!!! it's SIN... so they say... sick!

Straight forward- I read a letter I wrote to this guy when i was in senior high. Basically saying that I am not considering any romantic involvement and that I hope he understands. Shiiieeet- No matter how much I can't stand a guy right now, I wouldn’t be THAT frank. I am SUPPOSED to be timid.

Carefree - I now care about EVERYTHING and EVERYONE , I care about what a man whom I've met a couple of times in several occasions and who I will probably never see again, thinks about me as a person.

Emotionally detached unless worth it - Everything is worth it now. It’s all about emotions. I’m 101% pure unadulterated womanly emotions.

Foreign- I thought i knew what it was like to be foreign. I had no clue until now. Morphed into this world. I am more foreign to my homeland than an Arab in America after 9 1 1.

IS THIS DEPRESSING OR WHAT?!?!?!?

Bright side ( yeah right)-I am now a more conscious being ( basically). I care about my surroundings, The impression I give to people and I customize the way I act to the kind of people I am with.

Hypocrisy? No… Diplomacy.

Identity crisis? Nahh.. Globalization.

Un-cultured? Of course not!…. Tolerant

ill-mannered? You mean when I am myself with both men and women?
Hell no… modern

Normal growing up phase? ….No such thing....I’m a proud muslim Arab.

Double standards? How dare you....?!!!

Disturbing Revelations

2006-06-26T20:31:00.000-07:00

Shit! I was cleaning out my closet when I came across a bunch of old scrap books. I have been denying being a Cancer ever since I can remember and I still do.. I was born on the last days of the Cancer moon and Leo is more me than frigging domesticated, crabby cancer.

Scrapbooks- letters, pictures, notes, cards, ID’s , grades, pages from my journals, invitations, apology notes, love notes, poems, certificates YOU NAME IT!!

A whole life documented in 4 thick gigantic Scrap books.

I got lost in the past. Wow. Would u just look at that….

Who is still in my life?

What people said what and who ate their words?

who disappeared?

Who became what ? and who didnt become anything?

The only constant thing is change.

Look at me then .. Amazing....I am seeing someone I don’t know.

Another innocent Sin...

2006-06-24T00:53:00.000-07:00

10:00 am- Kebab corner
I’m trying to look busy coz I really don’t want to mingle right now.

Killer hang over, body aching like hell. Fudging waiter gave me a frap with a scoop of ice cream on top. I told them not to put whip cream, icecream or any kind of cream but stupids will always be stupid.

I was literally doing a slow motion version of the Nutcracker ballet as I miraculously found my way to the lecture room , I grabbed the nearest chair to anchor my butt on and get this test over and done with.

Thank God It’s over. I exhausted the last functional brian cells I had left writing a paper for Barbie this morning. I just passed out last night before I could enter my password in my laptop to write it for her.. A promise is a promise and I’m a woman of my word.
Last night she was making a commotion about having to pass the paper today!!! Whaaat? Way ta go Barbs.. I was selling my soul to the devil here drinking with you guys and you bitch about wanting to bail out on me to write a frigging theology paper about commitment… Talk about irony!!

And where do the fingers point to ? Ofcourse, none other than yours truly, FINE!! I’ll write the damn paper for you as soon as I get home later. Just check your inbox tom. Now.. SHOT!

Fudge! Been a looooooong time since I’ve drank anything. It was just so frigging boring and depressing last night that I just took the plunge and joined in the drinking. Started off with Bailey’s and ended up gulping tequila shots while trying to figure out what the hell I’m supposed to do with my life!!

where were we?? Shieeet.. Tiffany is practically crawling on the floor… her Veterinarian side is taking over her. Tiff!!! Can we just take a break from this shit drama about you and BF? It’s not like he’s Keanu for God’s sake!

Annie is harassing this guy to spill the beans about some other guy, Louise is grilling the same guy for leading her on until she found out that he was getting jiggy with a 16 yr old Lucy Lu all the while. The things you can say when you’re intoxicated.. the excuses.

Carla, our host brings in a plate of grilled fish… Carla and I have a silent connection, she’s the only one who shares my rock- alternative music inclinations, she’s also the only one who actually goes that extra mile building her resume’ and establishing international ties and connections for the future of her career.

Carla, our host brings in a plate of grilled fish… Carla and I have a silent connection, she’s the only one who shares my rock- alternative music inclinations, she’s also the only one who actually goes that extra mile building her resume’ and establishing international ties and connections for the future of her career.

Me?.. I’m so good at everything ( including writing a theology A+ paper on a religion I don’t even believe in) I can do anything I wanted to. Thing is I want a lot of things I just can’t stick to one thing . “ the curse of having too many options”.

I probably ended up making another enemy, thanks to my tactlessness. On the verge of tears, yet angry and happy at the same time. Love these girls.. haven’t been here for some time.

The begining of an end

2006-06-21T01:19:00.000-07:00

I write this poem of a girl I know
With a heart of gold, made the world around her glow
Broken today I watch her sigh
The hopeful gleam no longer in her eyes

It’s been a while since I’ve held this pen
Years of life have molded me since then

A little girl searching for where she belonged
Guided by the memory of vague recall

An impulsive decision to go back in time
Against their will she crosses the line

A young mother she thought
“I’ve got to see”
No time could be better
It’s the time for me

An innocent soul tainted with fear
A whole new world
A religion revealed

Shock and confused by the hurtful truth
This is it, These are her roots!
Lost and confused , She tries to reject
What she knows she has to go through next

She’s riding the waves of a journey so real
Too much emotions, there’s nothing left to feel

As she sits alone in a familiar café
Watching the world as they live their day

She wonders if she’ll ever get to that shore
How much is left for her heart to endure?

Pieces of her, dust in the wind
Wrapped in misery, tormented at will

Searching for answers, lost in dismay
A silent prayer, “Oh keep me sane”

Her friends they know what she’s going through
Do they though? She’s not so sure

Caught in the middle, two worlds at bay
Every person she knows, has something to say

Her soul is in question, her eternal abode
Where no mother or bother can carry the load

For she alone, will mark her end
For she alone, to the grave shall be sent

This worldly life is but a stage
To play our parts and God to obey

And the life she’s had
Has no place in here
The cast of this play
To her world are weird

New rules, new lines
New parts to display
She had no idea
That is was going to be this way

And although her faith in the main theme is strong
It seems that it’s not enough
Could she be so wrong?

No one is perfect, so it’s been said
With no one to trust, no matter how they care

Ignorance is bliss, words so true
Why did she venture, into knowledge so cruel?

We are responsible for all that we do
Now that she knows, her debts are due

To pay the price is a lot to bear
She can’t let go, she’s too weak to dare
Brave she embarked on this one way road
Full of life, faith so bold

God is her love, her constant guide
Hold her hand, show her what’s right

Yes, she’s made a few wrong turns
Give her a chance, she’s willing to learn

Send her an angel, just show her the way
Too suspicious to trust
Thos who speak in your name

She reads your words, every night she cries
Why does she see a different rhyme?

Oh lord your book does not lie
Never did she find an unfair line

Her salvation lies in you so divine
Please let your words lead her life

For she has lived this world as it is
She’s seen and felt things that they’ve missed

No one could ever know what’s inside
No one but the earth, the sea and the infinite sky.