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Thursday, December 21, 2006

Shedding light on the Shi'at existence in Saudi Arabia

I had to share this.

A lot of educating information about the shee3ah and their struggle in Saudi Arabia, ( the ones we are not supposed to recognize as humans wtf) in this transcript. Hope it promotes better understanding among those who simply don't know.

Saudi Shi'ites: New light on an old divide
Interview by Mahan Abedin

Fouad Ali al-Ibrahim was born in Safwa, eastern Saudi Arabia, in 1960. He joined the Islamic Revolution Organization in 1980 and served in its central committee until 1993. Currently, Ibrahim is a leading member of the National Coalition for Democracy in Saudi Arabia and continues to oppose the Saudi regime from London. From 1988-90 Ibrahim was on the editorial team of Al-Thawrah al-Islamiyah (The Islamic Revolution) and from 1991-93 he was the
editor of Al-Jazeera al-Arabiyah (The Arabian Peninsula). Both publications belonged to the Shi'ite opposition. Ibrahim is the author of The Shi'ites of Saudi Arabia (Saqi, 2006). He holds a PhD in Near and Middle Eastern Studies from London's School of Oriental and African Studies.

Mahan Abedin: How do you account for the rise of Saudi Shi'ite political consciousness in the modern era?

Fouad Ibrahim: The main factor was the relationship between the Shi'ites and the Saudi state. This relationship has never been based on anything even remotely resembling the concept of modern citizenship. It has always been based on the concepts of forced annexation and extreme oppression. This is why the Shi'ites have never felt part of the Saudi state. This goes back to the foundation of the first Saudi state in the middle of the 18th century

MA: So basically the historic Shi'ite narrative in the peninsula revolves around oppression and alienation?

FI: Yes, but there is also an external factor relating to the flooding of foreign workers to the Eastern Province, many of whom worked for Arabian-American Oil Company (Aramco). These foreign Arab workers imported Arab nationalist ideology to the Eastern Province and managed to win over the loyalties of many local Shi'ites. They contributed to the development of Shi'ite political consciousness. In fact the Shi'ites of the Eastern Province have constituted the base for many opposition movements in the region.

MA: Has the area now known as the Eastern Province been Shi'ite since the beginning of Islamic history?

FI: Yes! Actually Shi'ism has been the most indigenous form of Islam in the region. It was the Shi'ites of our region that traveled to Iraq and Iran and won over many converts to their faith. For instance Sheikh Ibrahim al-Qatifi, among others from Lebanon, Iraq and Bahrain, played prominent roles in the Shi'ite conversion of Iran in the early Safavid period of the 16th century.

MA: Given this prolific proselytism, why have the Shi'ite remained a minority in the peninsula?

FI: Dividing the Saudi state into minorities and a majority is a misconception. Saudi Arabia is a state of minorities. Dividing Saudi Arabia along Sunni/Shi'ite lines will not work, as the Wahhabis do not even recognize the Sunnis as true Muslims.

MA: They recognize Hanbalis.

FI: That is the only mazhab [religious school] which they recognize. They accuse all the others of innovation and deviation. But even the Wahhabis are not a majority in Saudi Arabia.

MA: But what about the Hanbalis?

FI: You could say the Hanbalis constitute the biggest minority in Saudi Arabia.

MA: From a Shi'ite perspective, is the modern Saudi state legitimate?

FI: From a purely ideological point of view, the Saudi state (like other states) is illegitimate on account of its preemption of the Imam Mahdi's utopian state. But since the Islamic revolution in Iran, which promoted new forms of Shi'ite political thought, the Shi'ites of the Eastern Province have accepted the legitimacy of temporal states, provided they are just in their application of the sharia. But of course, the Saudi state is anything but just and merciful.

MA: Broadly speaking, are the Shi'ites loyal to the Saudi nation-state?

FI: We need to distinguish between loyalty to the homeland and loyalty to the state. The Saudi state has three parochial components: the al-Saud royal family, a broader Najdi constituency and the Wahhabi sect. These are the components of national identity in the kingdom. It has been successful in Najd, but it has failed in every other region because the inhabitants do not identify with this imposed identity. In that sense, Saudi Arabia is not a nation-state. With regards to the Shi'ites, we have not developed a sense of Saudi citizenship because of the extreme forms of oppression we have faced. When the state transgresses your basic rights, how can you develop loyalty to it?

MA: Let's talk about Shi'ite organizations. How important was the Harakat al-Risaliyin al-Tala’ (Movement of Vanguards Missionaries - MVM) to the political development of Saudi Shi'ites?

FI: Our organization, Munazamat al-Thawrah al-Islamiyah [the Islamic Revolution Organization - IRO], was affiliated to the MVM from the outset. The MVM was the mother organization for a number of movements in the region, especially in Iraq, Kuwait, Bahrain and Saudi Arabia.

MA: Why has there been so little coverage on the MVM, both from journalistic and academic perspectives?

FI: The MVM was inclined towards secrecy. In fact until 1993 nobody knew much about its activities, especially in Iraq and Bahrain. For instance, observers did not know that it was the MVM which organized the failed coup against the ruling dynasty in Bahrain in December 1981.

MA: I'll come to the failed Bahrain coup later. Is the MVM still operational?

FI: No, they are not. After the ending of the Iran-Iraq War [1988] the leaders of the movement reassessed the situation and formed new conclusions. There was deep disappointment about Iran's failure to emerge as the outright winner. There was also resentment in some sections of the movement about the over-concentration on Iraq. Many activists felt that the movement should have divided its attention equally between the other regional countries.

MA: At its height, how big was the MVM in terms of numbers of activists?

FI: It was very big.

MA: How big?

FI: We are talking thousands. It was the biggest Shi'ite Islamist movement of its time.

MA: What happened to the movement?

FI: As far as its Saudi branch is concerned, the October 1993 pact with the Saudi regime obligated Shi'ite activists to dissolve the Reform Movement and to formally and practically dissociate itself from outside movements. It should be mentioned that the IRO had transformed into al-Haraka Islahiyah (the Reform Movement) in 1991.

MA: How decisive was the leadership of Hassan al-Safar to both the MVM and IRO?

FI: Sheikh Hassan al-Safar is widely regarded as a spiritual leader of the Shi'ite movement in the Arabian Peninsula. His strongest point was his ability to relate to the people. Because of his ideological training he was able to transform historical Shi'ite narratives into effective populist themes. But this does not mean that he is an intellectual.

MA: To what extent did the Muharram Intifada of 1979 transform the relationship between Shi'ite dissenters and the Saudi regime?

FI: This was a major turning point in the relationship between the Shi'ites and the Saudi regime. It changed everything.

MA: Reading your book [The Shi'ites of Saudi Arabia], it is clear that it was also a personal turning point for you because you witnessed the shooting to death of your cousin. Did many others experience the same kind of psychological transformation?

FI: The events of Muharram in 1979 left a deep scar in the consciousness of the majority of Shi'ites in the Eastern Province.

MA: But given that Shi'ites had experienced extreme oppression for hundreds of years, why did this turning point occur so late in the day? I say this because the demonstrations of Muharram in 1979 were not huge, nor did they result in many casualties.

FI: There had been clashes between Shi'ites and the authorities for decades. For instance, in the 1920s a Shi'ite revolt was led by Sheikh Mohammed al-Nemr. In the 1950s and 1960s the Shi'ite workers of Aramco staged demonstrations, mostly in support of Arab nationalism. But the events of 1979 must be understood in the context of the ideological transformation of Shi'ism itself. The 1979 Islamic Revolution in Iran represented the culmination of the revolutionary political thought of Shariati, Jalal al-Ahmad and Imam [Ruhollah] Khomeini. The Islamic Revolution in Iran turned the old Shi'ite belief in the illegitimacy of temporal states on its head.

MA: What were the main inspirational features of the Iranian revolution to the Shi'ites of the Eastern Province?

FI: The most attractive feature was the leadership of Imam Khomeini. The Imam's charismatic features were truly extraordinary and resonated deeply with all Muslims, particularly the Shi'ites. Second, the new interpretation of Shi'ite political thought inspired by the Iranian revolution was highly liberating. Third, the Shi'ites of the peninsula deeply appreciate the independence of Islamic Iran. They compare the Islamic Republic to the Saudi regime, which is dependent on America for its basic security. Fourth, the leadership of the Iranian revolution had good links to the leadership of the MVM and this had fostered familiarity and mutual respect.

MA: Given the close relations between the MVM and the new Islamic regime in Iran, do you think Iran had a hand in the Bahrain coup attempt of December 1981?

FI: No! Iran had nothing to do with that venture whatsoever. In fact the Iranians paid the price for that mistake.

MA: Did the coup plotters really think they could succeed?

FI: They were convinced it could succeed. They thought they could rely on supporters inside Bahrain.

MA: Were you aware of the plot?

FI: No, I was in South Korea at the time.

MA: Who foiled the plot; was it the Bahrainis or the Saudis?

FI: It was the Bahrainis. Apparently the coup plotters made many mistakes during the preparatory stage and this alerted the Bahraini authorities.

MA: Where were the coup plotters from?

FI: They were mostly from Iraq. They were led by Hadi Modarresi.

MA: The Saudis have long alleged that the IRO was financed by Iran; is this true?

FI: No, it is not. We have always had a number of financial sources. The Shi'ite of the Eastern Province live in the most oil-rich region in the world. Moreover, as Shi'ites we have khums [voluntary Islamic tax] as a major source of revenue. Furthermore, we have other contributions in the form of tabarowat [donations]. In fact it is the people of the Eastern Province that regularly send money to Iran in the form of khums ... They also support Shi'ite Islamic causes and organizations in Iraq and Lebanon.

MA: Then what kind of assistance were the Iranians providing to your organization?

FI: Mostly moral support. But they also helped materially, especially in terms of logistics, offices and other buildings. But Iran had nothing to do with our activities. They never financed our activities.

MA: So the Iranians never interfered in your work, even in a subtle way?

FI: No, never!

MA: How much of your organization was based in Iran?

FI: The majority of our members were based in Iran until 1988.

MA: How about Saudi Hezbollah; do you believe they were behind the Khobar bombing [in Saudi Arabia] of 1996, as the Americans allege? [Nineteen 19 US servicemen and one Saudi were killed.]

FI: The Americans always raise this issue whenever they have problems with Iran.

MA: But they accused Iran of involvement in that attack from the outset. My question is do you believe Iran and its militant Shi'ite allies in the Kingdom were behind the attack?

FI: The Americans accused Iran and the Shi'ites initially but later on they realized they were very wrong.

MA: Who do you think was responsible for that attack?

FI: It was probably carried out by a group associated to al-Qaeda.

MA: Why did the Americans initially blame Iran; was it a case of faulty intelligence or pure politics?

FI: It was politics through and through! Some in the American intelligence community may have genuinely suspected Iran of involvement, but as I said earlier, in due course they realized they had been very wrong. In fact the FBI [Federal Bureau of Investigation] interrogated a Shi'ite activist, Hani al-Sayegh, who had been handed over to them in June 1997 by the Canadian security services, but they gleaned nothing useful from his interrogation. So they released him and then deported him to Saudi Arabia! The Americans are well aware that the Shi'ites of the peninsula are not into terrorism

MA: But surely you don't deny that Shi'ites from the Eastern Province have been involved in acts of political violence.

FI: There have been a few cases, but these have been on a very low scale.

MA: Have people been killed as a result of these actions?

FI: Not to my knowledge.

MA: What targets were they attacking?

FI: Mainly the oil industry. But we are talking about minor acts of sabotage, not major acts of terrorism.

MA: Let's talk about the 1993 pact between the Saudi government and the Shi'ite opposition. What were the main factors that led to a meeting between then-king Fahd and the leaders of the Shi'ite Reform Movement in October 1993?

FI: There was a new political climate in the region after the Gulf War of 1991. People were demanding their rights. This was reinforced by international pressures for reform. Moreover, the explosion of Sunni dissent in the kingdom in the aftermath of the Gulf War seriously unsettled the regime. Some elements in the regime felt they should make peace with the Shi'ites in order to concentrate on defeating Sunni dissidents. They were fearful of Shi'ite activists finding common grounds with the neo-Salafi dissidents.

MA: Why did they suspect that?

FI: We were in contact with Saad al-Faqih, Mohammed al-Massari and others in the Committee for the Defense of Legitimate Rights. Saudi security was probably monitoring these conversations and subsequently formed certain conclusions. These conclusions informed the regime's conciliatory approach towards the Shi'ite activists.

MA: To what extent did the new moderation of the Shi'ite movement influence the Saudi government's approach?

FI: The new reformist discourse was crucial in the Saudi decision to engage. Moreover, our shift towards modern forms of citizenship and pluralism allayed the fears of many quarters, including Saudi liberals and nationalists and also Western governments.

MA: Leaving aside its implementation, do you think the main terms of the 1993 accord were broadly acceptable to the Shi'ite opposition?

FI: Yes, as long as they led to the restoration of the legitimate rights of our people.

MA: Briefly, what were the main terms of the agreement?

FI: The main terms consisted of the abolition of discriminatory practices against the Shi'ites in the political, economic and socio-cultural fields.

MA: What did the Saudis want in return?

FI: We had to stop all political activities.

MA: What do you mean?

FI: We had to stop all political activities outside the kingdom. The Saudis issued a general amnesty and offered to renew the passports of our activists.

MA: When you say they promised to end discrimination, does that include general social discrimination? I am referring to discrimination against the Shi'ites by non-state actors in the country.

FI: No, it only referred to government discrimination.

MA: What mechanisms did the government set out to implement this anti-discrimination program?

FI: King Fahd said he would order all government institutions to comply with this policy and added that it would then be up to us to follow up with these institutions.

MA: Thirteen years on, to what extent has the accord been implemented?

FI: Discrimination is still widespread.

MA: Are you saying that every Saudi institution continues to discriminate against the Shi'ites?

FI: Yes!

MA: So nothing has improved in these 13 years?

FI: The only promise they kept was the security of the exiles who returned in 1993. And any improvement in the situation of the Shi'ites is not as a result of the 1993 accord, but the changing situation in the country and the region more broadly. The regime is no longer in a position to crack down as harshly as it wishes.

MA: What are Sheikh Hassan al-Safar and other leaders doing in Qatif right now?

FI: They conduct their own religious and social activities.

MA: They are not engaged in politics?

FI: If you consider meeting government officials as political activity, then they are politically active as well!

MA: But what about the Shi'ite opposition outside the country?

FI: The Shi'ite opposition is still active but we are not as united as before.

MA: What caused the divisions?

FI: The 1993 accord was the main factor.

MA: Were you strongly against the accord?

FI: Yes, I was.

MA: To what extent is the Shi'ite opposition cooperating with other forms of dissent in the Kingdom? Are you talking to the liberals and the Sunni Islamists?

FI: I can honestly say that our old movement was the most inclusive and nationalist in the country. We went out of our way to cultivate links with other political forces. We still maintain good connections to liberals, nationalists, leftists and moderate Salafis. We have always been very open, but the problem is with the extremists. I personally have tried hard to initiate dialogue with the hardline Wahhabis. I succeeded with Salman al-Auda, who has now moderated his views on the Shi'ites.

MA: What about [Salafi] Safar al-Hawali?

FI: I contacted one of his friends to inquire into the feasibility of opening dialogue. But his friend advised me not to contact Hawali since he is still very radical and is not yet ready for dialogue with the Shi'ites.

MA: Do you think that neo-Salafism is the strongest form of opposition to the Saudis?

FI: Absent a national culture, any opposition will be reduced to a sectarian, tribal or regional phenomenon. I don't think you can talk about any general opposition to the Saudis. This is arguably the regime's greatest fortune.

MA: Is the regime capable of reform?

FI: I think gradual reforms will eventually lead to the fracture of the state. If they want to avoid this scenario they have to start promoting serious reforms; for instance transforming the royal family into a constitutional monarchy.

MA: Do you really think they would even consider such a subversive idea?

FI: No, I don't. This is a royal family that believes it owns everything in the country; even the air that people breathe!

MA: Is Abdullah an asset or liability to the House of Saud?

FI: Abdullah is just a figurehead.

MA: But he has been in charge for 10 years!

FI: But he can't do anything. Princes Sultan and Nayef have more power than Abdullah, especially in internal affairs. Abdullah is just the friendly face of the regime to the outside world.

MA: What would happen to the country in the event of the demise of the al-Saud?

FI: The country would fragment along regional lines. Hejaz and Najd will become independent states. The southern regions may be annexed by Yemen. The Eastern Province will definitely secede as well.

(This article first appeared in Published with permission.)

(Copyright 2006

Dear All

Hi Everyone. I felt I owed it to you guys to tell you that first of all, I apologize for not writing much anymore. Especially to Trevelyana my home girl, I'll email you. To Farhan my fan i'll be back soon , full swing :) just wait eheh and to Ionflux. To Lipstick Wahhbbi, omg I love your blog! readong about Sheikh Hassan alSafar as I type. Mystique.. we're still on girl, I'll talk to you laterl. shhh secret gotta shut up before I spill the beans lol.

I do actually still write but like some other bloggers, I am only human lol. I kinda lost track of why I started writing in the first place. If you see my earlier post they had more soul to them coz of the comfort that it wasn't too public. Some how along the way i liked the attention and started to write what I thought people wanted to read sighhh . I forgot why I did it in the first place, and bam! a writer's block coupled with bad grammar and spelling. lol

Writing for me was always an outlet. A form of self expression to unload the shit inside the heavy heart I own.

I have a secret diary somewhere in the blogosphere now. I'm just trying to deal with some issues that I REALLY don't think is healthy for ANYONE to know about. Sighhh

I'll see you guys when things are back on track in my life.

For now , I leave you with this beautiful poem by one of my favourite poets.

See ya when I see ya.


Song of the Soul

By: Khalil Gibran

In the depth of my soul there is
A wordless song - a song that lives
In the seed of my heart.
It refuses to melt with ink on
Parchment; it engulfs my affection
In a transparent cloak and flows,
But not upon my lips.

How can I sigh it? I fear it may
Mingle with earthly ether;
To whom shall I sing it? It dwells
In the house of my soul, in fear of
Harsh ears.

When I look into my inner eyes
I see the shadow of its shadow;
When I touch my fingertips
I feel its vibrations.

The deeds of my hands heed its
Presence as a lake must reflect
The glittering stars; my tears
Reveal it, as bright drops of dew
Reveal the secret of a withering rose.

It is a song composed by contemplation,
And published by silence,
And shunned by clamor,
And folded by truth,
And repeated by dreams,
And understood by love,
And hidden by awakening,
And sung by the soul.

It is the song of love;
What Cain or Esau could sing it?

It is more fragrant than jasmine;
What voice could enslave it?

It is heartbound, as a virgin's secret;
What string could quiver it?

Who dares unite the roar of the sea
And the singing of the nightingale?
Who dares compare the shrieking tempest
To the sigh of an infant?
Who dares speak aloud the words
Intended for the heart to speak?
What human dares sing in voice
The song of God

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

And we thought the Lebanse girls on TV were bad enough! lol

Guys! You won't believe the latest news!! I mean we're a totally racist society with our own idea of how our helpers and drivers are to be .. right?

WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!! Think again......


في المملكة العربية السعودية بدأت اللجنة الوطنية للاستقدام التابعة لمجلس الغرف

السعودية تنفيذ خطوات لـ"تنويع مصادر استقدام" الخادمات لتمتد من دول أوروبا

الشرقية وخاصة دول ما كان يعرف بالاتحاد السوفييتي ..

وقال رئيس اللجنة سعد البداح إن عملية التفاوض مع الحكومات في أوروبا الشرقية

ودول ما كان يعرف بالاتحاد السوفييتي لتصدير عمالتها للمملكة استغرقت نحو 3

سنوات وتركزت على وضع الاستراتيجية وأطر التعاون ودراسة الوضع من

الطرفين وغيرها من القضايا الفنية المختلفة

واذا ما نجحت خطة المملكة السعودية في التعاقد مع هذه الدول فان منازل السعوديين

ستمتلىء بالخادمات من الجنس الاشقر .. والعيون الزرقاء والخضراء ( رحتو وطي )

اما المتضرر الاكبر من خطة المملكة فهن الخادمات التابعات للدول الاسلامية مثل

الهنديات والاندونيسيات اللواتي سيبدأ عددهن بالانخفاض تدريجيا نتيجة اتجاه

السعوديين الى تفضيل الخادمات من الاصول الاخرى.

عز الله رحتو فيها يا حريييمنا الحقو على أزواااجكم

I guess that's a nice comeback post! Welcome back to meeeeee

Monday, December 04, 2006

More on Bluetooth and Saudi: From sex to suicide

Saudi Bluetooth Flirting leads to young woman suicide attempt

A young woman was rushed to a private hospital late last night after swallowing more than 50 tables of Panadol in a desperate attempt to commit suicide after being threatened to be exposed by a man who she got to know through " Bluetooth dating".

Amal, a 16 year old highschool student in Jeddah, came home with Panadol tables she had purchased from the nearby drugstore and waited until she was alone. Her parents had left for a wedding party that evening only to find her unconscious upon their return . She was immediately rushed to the nearest private hospital where she received medical attention and was stabilized.

This is not unusual to the Saudi society. Women have been attempting suicide to escape the harsh consequences of cultural and social misconducts. Saudi Arabia is a segregated society where the interaction of men and women is restricted to relatives, spouses and children. The religious police has the right to question and detain couples who can't prove their marital status or blood relation.

Dating and rendezvous are often conducted secretly in private homes of mutual friends or public places where the man poses as a brother or relative if caught.

Because of the harsh cultural rules, women are often the victims of abuse and blackmail because the offenders know that they can get away with it since she can not tell anyone. Sometimes even repeatedly threatening to inform her male relatives of their Bluetooth relationship lest she does what he asked her. This creates a viscous cycle of emotional and psychological abuse for the woman that develops into depression and finally despairs and suicide contemplations.

“Even if I changed my number, He knows where I live. My brothers will kill me if they find out and he knows it, there is nothing I can do , I’ve committed sin and if I ask anyone to help me in the end I will be the one to suffer so I am leaving it to Allah to sort it out " Fatima, 21

Dr. Halloo, Clinical Psychologist, at the hospital in Jeddah explained the need for a trusting relationship between the growing adolescent and at least one of the parents. "We need to let our daughters know that we love them and that no matter how angry we are, the last thing want them is dead!" he emphasized. “To the woman, it is the end, she can't tell her family because she will be condemned and shamed for the rest of her life and she can't make the man stop abusing her because he probably would know where she lived because he had discreetly picked her up before and making him mad by not submitting to him can anger him enough to talk to her father and she can't live with that so she decides to kill herself and rest"

“I received a blue tooth message while I was in the car on my way to school. The sender's name was cute and it was traffic so I started smsing him back and we fell in love. He told me not to tell anyone so that we could get married one day. We started meeting in secret, he'd pick me up from school and we would go to his place, I have no choice! If we got caught in the mall or the beach... I don't even want to think about it! But I’m sure he will not black mail me" Wafaa, 19

Many young women in Saudi Arabia have heard their fair share of "Bluetooth dating" horror stories. A great deal of them "just wait it out" until the boy finds another and gets busy, by the time he tells on her, she would have spent sufficient time at home enough to gain her parents trust and deny the relationship. Here are the opinions of some women in "Hanging-Bluetooth" relationships:

" My boyfriend and I met through bluetooth messaging, I trusted him and told him everything about me. Sometimes he teases me when I annoy him that he would make a prank call to my dad and tell him about us, we once had a fight about that but I still don't know if he can do it, its not in my hands anymore" Sumaya, 21

" What are we supposed to do? We can't go on a date in public because it is prohibited, we can't watch a movie or take a walk on the beach there is just no such thing as a relationship before marriage here. I want to know how men are so I marry the right one in the future. I don't want to end up marrying 5 times before i find the right one because I didn't know the other 4 before we got married!" The girls nodded in agreement." Lets go to the mall" suggested Sumaya, "Maybe we'll get lucky and forget about our troubles" The girls giggled .

Amal’s story and the story and the stories of these young women are not strange to the youth of Saudi Arabia. From the stories of the dating adventures of those who lived to tell them. To the appalling stories of those who suffered the consequences . "Bluetooth dating" like a lot of other unaccepted social activities , is just another risk young people are willing to take in their plight for self discovery.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

A letter to Mama

What is there to say?

Do you believe in signs? Do you believe in love? Do you believe that there is that one person out there for every single one of us and that the secret of eternal life lies in finding that person who effortlessly, just for simply being, brings out the best in you and helps you fulfill the reason for your existence?

Could life be more than just growing up, having a dream job, a socio- religious orientation ( whatever it is), a practical partner, a stable routine, a secure income and a family that you try ever so hard to “raise” on a single minded set of values?

Sounds to me that “life” can’t get any better that but can’t it really?

What keeps all these ingredients in the bowl? What stirs them constantly through change and fluctuating temperature to forever keep the mix smooth and interesting?

What is the invisible hand? Respect? For what? For the person’s wealth? Power? history? Country? mind? Honesty? Devotion?

You can respect someone, admire them and never want to hurt them, but you can’t stop your other emotions from wandering to where they feel understood, appreciated and encouraged , I for one have been living up to EVERYONE’S expectations, even those people I meet on the street on my way home on Monday.

I hate how love, real love, deep love is being taken for granted today. What you see happening between two young immature and not yet even fully physically developed teenagers is not love. So let me call what I am talking about something else, let’s call it…Bliss.

Have you ever been in bliss?

You’ll never know till you are they say, and well I think that when it happens any mad worldly woman’s heart shall be tamed.

Utter mental, emotional and physical peace and contentment. Ironically obtained from the presence of someone else yet astonishingly deeply personal to you in too many ways. Love is not routine.

When two individuals, intellectuals, cultured, spiritual, attractive, modest, considerate, sensitive, tolerant, respectful meet because of everything else than why two people meet today , the world as they knew it changes. They change, their priorities change everything pure and selfless takes center stage.

Fame, fortune and practicality doesn’t matter anymore and all that does is just being together. From different worlds but from one, from different backgrounds but only to complete each

other, from different walks of life but only to show eachother what life was meant to be..They know no jealousy, no past, no resentment for anything in the other’s life. All they see is a reason for all that has gone and was done , a direction for where the heavens meant for them to contemplate..

Have you ever been in bliss?

It has been said that you can not please everyone in this world, but it also has been said that that when God is pleased of you.. then the world has no choice but to love you too.

Yes the path is hard. But nothing of worth is easily obtained. And to know the truth means to be a rejected prophet sent to a world that has been set on its fathers ways.

Bliss is my blood line is a mystery. Lived by my parents but shrouded in doubt and hardened by gold.

Money is the root of all Evil. The flame needs fuel to survive. For what is joy but sorrow unmasked and ignorance…. Ignorance and expectations blind the eyes from seeing how good what we have is.

If they only knew how other girls were, good girls. Women, families, problems, silly choices and lifestyles.

When will I be able to live my life the way I want to without being judged and condemned? When will I be allowed without the torturing guilt of my parents disapproval to pursue my happiness?

When will I plan my life without my mothers blue prints?

When will she love me for who I am and understand that the times and the socio-psycho-spiritual me are just different. Different because She is my mother and she chose her life and I am the product of that choice and I too want to find middle grounds.

Nobody is perfect. And there is a reason for everything. Things are not always what they seem and we learn. We learn because we have to, so that we may be sure of our decisions in the future . One mans poison is another mans wine. My questions have been answered and I am now a better person because of what to my mother’s poison.. doesn’t it comfort her that I’m immune now?

Sometimes what’s beyond takes charge of your life. And when it does, be greatful, be thankful.. for you are favored.. favored enough to be shown what is good for you, because you have tried and you have thought and you have searched. Life is a journey…

Travel it well. Seek and learn. And when you find what your heart longs for… listen to it and ignore your mind. Your mind is a dangerous thing. Life is about existing to live and not living to exist .

I need my mother but she’s at a distance.

Why is it that when I need her most, when I’m happiest the most, excited the most and sure, for the first time in my entire 25 years of existence sure of something.

She isn’t?

Give me strength.

I love you mama, please feel me, I need you.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006


This place is getting the best of me
It's not the place..
it's what it does to my friends

I out-grew this town
Mundane shit is not worth more time & energy that the hours it deserves
Dragging shit, dwelling on nothing and wasting my time makes a monster out of me

I DON'T LIKE THIS MONSTER, I'm mean enough to begin with

Nothing else to do- is getting me chasing waterfalls
Temporary highs, anything but what is
immediate gratification

Being spoon-fed is making me fat
fat makes me depressed
My depression makes the life of the people around me hell
Then the guilt is consuming
I've worn out my welcome

I am not built to sit and watch my loved ones self-destruct
I am not built to be a "perfectionist bitch" for expecting basic 1,2,3's of civil social conduct
I am not built to be "arrogant, bossy and always right" just because well... I am. ;)

There's gotta be more to life...
And I'm on my way to find out ehat it is.

Saturday, September 30, 2006


Ok. It's another Saturday night. My friends are out partying and I don't feel like it ( as usual). I love my friends and I consider myself a party animal.. I AMMMM. SO what gives?
I know that I'm not a party pooper or a KJ and I know I can change the course of whatever party I go to ( easy bitches .. lol).

Maybe I'm just tired of knowing exactly what's going to happend and what doesn't really doesn't interest me. Maybe I feel that I'm too old for it or maybe I just need another venue, another kind of drink, another flow of conversation and some excitement for Pete's sakes!

Nothing excites me anymore .. ( Light bulb moment!) there that's my problem!!!!!!!!

Then again , Maybe excitement is a state of mind. I'd rather have coffee and a heart to heart conversation then slow my metabolism down with industrial waste ( NO Offense Guys.. I'm the EX- Tandya queen remember?) and a useless hangover in the morning.

Or maybe it's not my time. Going thru so much leaves little space for anything else.

Would I be the same in another place? Hell no! I'd be painting the town red anywhere else..

Familiarity does breed contempt.

Maybe.. I just catered so much to that party of me that there isn't really much to experience left.. not with my single cute and unscarred college and "feeling still in college friends" .. I belong to the latter category.

I have given value to my time.. and ironically its put more to use when I am not alone and pretending to be just-like-them.

When I am not.

Part of me is. even maybe 50% of me , but like i said , I'm feeding that part of me everyday.. no need for overkill or I might forget who I realy am.

fucking deep eh.. ? only deep to those who know me.

To them it's just like that too when they're with me.. they feed the part of them that is- not just -like- thje rest

the silent connection of understanding of what we need from eachother.

I still dopn't know whats up with me being corny about it.

should I even post this post? nahhh never mind

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

I want my hole

Hiding in comfort. That;s my forte'. All that is ( or might be) uncomfortable is something to be avoided ( unless avoiding it would be more uncomfortable), and all that brings me comfort ( food, DISTRACTIONS, movies, drink, shopping, drugs, karaoke.. )
is to be sought after ( unless seeking them would be uncomfortable) what the hell am i saying... sighhhh

Most Feared Fortune Cookie " The scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar"

MOTTO ( taken from tolkien) : " In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with he ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry , bare, sandy, hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort."

It was my hole and I miss it. I need to start digging.

Monday, September 25, 2006

I hate them

Overnight, friend to foe
overnight, I'm walking out the door
trust broken will never
never be the same
Trust broken.
What a shame.

I wont take the blame.

I'm not wrong to be me.
I have morals
my morals
my values

just because they're not like yours
doesnt mean i'm wrong

I'm not wrong to be me

Just because your family is more than mine
doesnt make you right
you just need eachother to tell eachother that you are

'I need to protect my boys from temptation" she said
"God first before anything"
Who are you selling this to.. ?
All you daughters got knocked up
All your sons got their girls knocked up

And because you forced all to get married..
You are right and I am wrong
You're from heaven
And i'm a lost soul

After all... when traces of sin are washed away..
who needs to repent? what for?
Who cares about the cause of it all ?
Because you made them 'fix' it

ahhh yes, sin is no sin when u erase it afterwards.
God is a schoolteacher pleased at the cleaned up mess
because he will put you in detention if don't cover it up

Thank you for making me see

How wrong I am
How wrong I am


Tuesday, September 19, 2006

My dreams are trying to tell me what's wrong..

I dreamt last night of chairs and stairs ..lots of stacked and unstacked chairs in my way I was going up and down some weird stairs , maybe down more than up. I was looking for something. I think there was another girl with mehelping me find my way. I was out, she lead me in. I've been there before in my dreams. They remind me of my university building.. but with exists and turns that were new to me.. .. what a wierd dream..

Only lately have I been dreaming and remembering those dreams. Only when when my world was Gray.

Will I dream anymore?

I looked my dream up:


1. If the dreamer is climbing the stairs, then he is "on his way to the top." If the staircase is bright and cheery, the climb to the top will be easy and pleasant. But if the staircase is dark and frightening, the dreamer may have to face some unpleasant situations before he gets to where he wants to be.

2. If the dreamer is descending the staircase, and the staircase is a pleasant one, then he may soon complete a difficult task and be able to relax for awhile. But if the staircase is dark and gloomy, or the dreamer is falling down the stairs, then the dreamer may be in danger of being "on his way down." Look to other symbols in the dream to judge how this can be prevented.

3. If someone known to the dreamer is either climbing or descending the staircase, depending on whether the dreamer is at the top or the bottom, that person is either rising or descending to meet the dreamer.

4. If an unknown male figure is either climbing or descending the staircase, then the dreamer's intellect will be challenged in some way. If it's an unknown female figure, then emotional matters will either rise to a major turning point, or fall to a level of normalcy.

Astrological parallels: Saturn, Uranus, Pluto.

Tarot parallel: The Wheel of Fortune.

As for the Chairs...


A chair in a dream represents an opportunity to rest, relax, stop, think, or wait for what's next - or whatever else you tend to do in a chair. Dreaming that you're tired and you can't find a place to sit down would represent a feeling of overwhelm or a need to rest in your real life.

( so many chairs but couldn't sit down , infact was moving them away.. wierd..self torment anyone? )

A chair in a dream can represent a place to rest (mentally, emotionally, physically), or it can represent your place in the world (just as a chair can represent your place in a room). Not being able to find a place to sit down can mean you're feeling like there's no opportunity to rest or take a break in your life right now, or it can mean that you're feeling challenged in figuring out where you "fit in" right now. Returning to your a seat where you were sitting and finding that someone else has taken it means you're feeling someone has "taken from you" in some way - stolen your limelight, taken advantage of you, or ignored your rights or needs somehow.

oh my god...

School :


If you dream of being back to school as an adult, pay more attention to your past and things from your childhood. Dreaming of school also could carry a message that life wants to teach you a lesson. On the other hand, the school dream may reflect tension and pressures in your waking life. Looking at a school building in your dream means that you keep on making the same mistakes and it is time to learn from past experiences. Seeing a student signifies that someone wants to fool you.

mee oh my...

School - Lessons in life. Self understanding is learning to know yourself (psychological). Life's experiences. Have you learned from them or do you ignore what is evident for what is convenient?



Here's to you! My Master teacher in disguise

Today, The last of the baby hamsters died. Eaten, torn by its own flesh and blood. Born and nursed only to be stripped out of life, suddenly, viciously, permanently. An omen. And with it, I, am reborn.

He said he wanted to help me find myself. Walk with me, unconditionally, soulfully, surely, truly, that I was his purpose… his past, present and future. Well my friends .. Salud!

If there were one thing that he helped me find was the fact that I needed no man, no friend no, no soul mate to help me find anything.

My sin and the sin of my daughters.. Clairvoyance.

I now know where she gets it from. Why she worries about how to go home when I don’t bring a car, why she worries about the mall closing and not being able to go home when it’s dark, where to put the hamsters when they grew up. They never did.

What a waste of brain power. One day like me, she’ll know when to waste no more.

I yet have to learn how to hold my tongue. Restrict my fingers. Stop my thoughts from ruining my moments. Maybe in time I will. But for now, I continue….till something overpowers me. What power I have.. how much I don’t realize it. I don’t buy my own bull… sell it back to me and you win me over.

Life 101. A collection dedicated to all who need it. I might say all I got to say in an hour, in a week, month or year. For I don’t stop till I unload. I don’t know when I’ll feel lighter.

To you my Master teacher in disguise:

Thank you for showing me the truth. May it not be the truth I thought it was…for both our sakes.

“ Men stumble over the truth from time to time, but most pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened.”- SIR WINSTON CHURCHILL

Monday, September 18, 2006

Don't sigh

Don’t sigh

After a while your smile will be back

And the fire in your chest will get colder

“we” will grow older

I’m in love

From head to toe

In lust

In awe

But I don’t want to know

So I’m letting go

I don’t want my heart to break

I don’t want to know it’s fake

I don’t want to know love is not real

I don’t want to break, to mend and to heal

I’m fine the way I am

My space, my world

My imaginary man

Don’t sigh

It won’t be long

Till “ we “...

will be gone.

Friday, September 15, 2006

you decide where

You decide where
Any café, I’m a sword stabbing the sea’
My sharpness is no use to me now
Decide wherever
I have surrendered to the roaring waves in your eyes
From the ends of time
When it rains in this town

I need your touch
Come inside my coat
Inside my shirt
Under my skin , in my voice
Let me lay my face on the grass of your chest
Let me migrate like a bird from my eyes to your eyes
From my hands to your hands

Draw my face on the parchment of night
The street lights and wooden lamposts
Lay your love on me
In the rain, in the thunder
Surround me with the beating of the drums
Let me give you a home inside of me
Crucify you a savior between my bosoms
Let me baptize you mine with holy water and perfume

On the torn pages of my life, hold me together
I have denied the time of sultans
I have refused my priest’s anointment

Let me make you howl like a wolf in the night
Bleed like a wound in a woman’s bossom

Give me the pleasure of death beckoning
Let me feel the beauty of slowly perishing
When it rains in this town
Branches grow from my misery
My sorrow has limbs

Come inside my coat and sleep
I’m your temptress, taste my apple
But in the rain ,
We grow , two apple trees

Nothing final in my mind yet
So take me where you want
Leave me where you want
Buy me today’s papers
Chocolates , wine and cigarettes
Here are all my keys


Drive us against the wind, towards uncertainty
Wander the stables that have no name
Love me a little
Break the rules a little
Bend me a little
Leave your right hand for me a little

For your arms are the shores of safety
There are no maps for love
No, and neither does the passion I have for you
So find a flat where the rain creeps in
A hotel that doesn’t ask lovers their names
Make me stay up all night calling your name
Let me scar your memory
Make me follow your trail

You decide where
For love in this town is like God

A tribute to Niza Qabbani

Nizar Qabbani-

Born in Demascus 1923- Died in London 1998

May his soul rest in peace ( Allah yer7amo)

As if spoken from the grave

A reminder of his fame

I Post these lines

Of a forgotten time

Translate with no rhyme

A glimpse of his mind

A tribute to Nizar Qabbani

Had he been alive

The skies would have cried

Her eyes would have glowed

The deserts would have moaned

On Arabian nights he traveled her veins

Through immortal words, he worshipped her name

On behalf of the golden woman I write

To the man who freed her from all the lies

Not even Shakespeare can move me inside

For not even Shakespeare for his words, had to die

5 mins mind rant

How can I feel 10 thousand different things all at once?

A moment i'm fine, then i'm agitated , then I'm miserable, then I'm excited then I'm hopefull, then I have a whole new plan, then I want to do something crazy, then I just want to pig out or maybe I want to scuba dive.. but oh now i need to go riding first... that would be better. I missed my horse.

Then' i'd fly to another state of mind thinking of Lyla ( night), my black arabian stallion who was sold when I was 14 because we didn't have the space and because I forgot all about her with puberty on my door.

Then I think about love, romance and passion. Then I think how stupid it was and how stability is the best think a woman could ask for, then I'd think about how selfish I maybe am. I am. I was just going to blow some money on plastic surgery .. for what? if i think about it, it is purley selfish in intentions... how did i reach this place? How vain, how ungratful , how evil really instead of good.. how i might be fooling a lot of people including myself.

Then again wait a minute, I'm a spiritual guru.. I was just tlaking to Annie about how life is easy for those who have purpose, how the stars connive to help you seek the truth and how goo intentions will also lead u to the light...


Then I think about what I'm going to wear , if i'm going to go out tonight, shit i was just on the phone making ticket reservations for the other side of the world and i was dead serious about it too. costs less than my plastic surgery estimation mind you! shieeet hey why don't i just check in a hotel somewhere else and sink in that water bed for days ... sighhhh I need to sms someone. I need to write this poem.. Last night i lost myself to Nizaar Qabbani's words... what words what words.. i pitty those who don't know arabic for not reading those words more than i pittied them for not reading the quran.. try to translate one line.. no i won't do it justice, Oh wow.. the passion, the love , the romance, i could feel my legs trembling !!! all that in a contemporary setting, when he talks about her cigarette case, her comb, her perfume.. I can just be her ... This is what I want more than stability and security. How foolish... maybe i just need to take it out of my system... taste what i can, knock on the gates of heaven and smell whats inside through the cracks on the wall .. then go back to earth to do better so i deserve it in a nother lifetime , i can.

What a bitch... ! I'm not a biatch.. at least i still have the brains to be logical , to think about the consequences, the what if's, the exits in case the seatbelt didn't fit him right, incase he found my music too loud and my snoring too soft.. why are we less of bitches when we just ride our desires unbrideled and then get burned for them because of our stupidity? are u telling me being stupid is an excuse for being a bitch? maybe .... I wish i were stupid. but hey since I'm a bitch in theory.. maybe i am stupid after all.... could it be that pitty for the stupids eliminates contempt? ofcourse it does... otherwise I wouldn't be the angel he thinks I am.

But what is it then ???????????????????? What is driving me crazy???What is the source of my restlessness> what is keeping me up at night? what is it that I don't have??? have i got too much? Or have I got nothing at all?

I know that there is something I can't explain and something that will just happen when it happens. right now that thing is not here, i can't feel it andi won't deny that, I wouldn't be playing chess with my sensory nerves , attack, retreat, left, right, giddi up horsie if I felt there completely...

But i have faith in it, and what faith in it do i have.... faith that from the moment I lay eyes on him.. mind reformat! check mate!

When it happens, it's surrender.. and then it's peace and then it's forever.

I want that surrender more than all those who want me to.

Make it happen. Make me surrender..

Monday, September 11, 2006

A better Middle east..?

From an article by Ralph Peters

"Blood borders"

Armed Forces Journal
June 2006

Thanks to Valium

Sunday, September 10, 2006

My Allah is GOD ( btw.. God is a literal translation for Allah)


( Qudsi Hadeeths: God’s words but not from the Quran, I’ll get to that one day soon )

My own shushing translation

Source: Al-Ahadeeth al qudsiya, Mohammad Sha3rawi, Dar Alrawda

It’s in Jarir’s bookstore dammit!

God is Love

God said: “I am at my worshipper’s best thinking of me, I am with him when he remembers me, If he thinks of me , I think of him, if he speaks about me to his company, I speak about him to mine ( the angels and heavens) and if he comes to me the length of a palm width I come to him the length of an arm, and if he comes to me an arm’s length I come to him ( the length of the arm to the opposite shoulder, "ba3" whats that in english? ), and if he comes to me walking, I come to him running.”

Jesus is like God in so many ways. But God is his God too.

God said:“ Oh son of Adam, I was sick and you didn’t comfort me. Adam said: how can I comfort you and you are Lord of heaven and earth?” God Said: Didn’t you know so so.. was sick and you didn’t comfort him? Didn’t you know that If you did you would have found me there? “

Heaven is not what they say it is . Greedy Male chauvinist perverts!

God Said:“ I have prepared for my followers what no eye has seen and no ear has heard and what NEVER has crossed the heart of man”

God is forgiving

God said:“I am the source of virtue, who ever lives in virtue ( Tuqa)” to put between you and evil a wall ” I will be your source of his forgiveness.”

God said :“ Who ever knew in his heart that I am forgiving of sins , I forgive him , as long as he doesn’t worship another”

Suicide is not a way to eternal life

God said : “ My follower got to himself before me, so shal hel not get to heaven”

God is giving

God said to the angels : “ If my follower intends a good deed , it shall be recorded as one, if he does it, it shall be recorded as 10 folds. If he intends a bad deed, do not record it, if he does it , it shall be recorded as one bad deed, if he doesn’t do it, then recorded as a good deed”

God tells us when we are right and when WE ARE NOT

God said: “ Spread virtue and condemn sin amongst you before you want and I shall not give , you ask and I shall not answer, “ tastansirooni” (you want me to come to your aid and help you win your cause) and I shall not let you prevail “

---- hmmm , makes sense doesn't it terrorists?

God will judge us

God said :“ Son of Adam denied me with no right to , and his denial is when he says” HE shal notl resurrect me like he started me”, Behold resurrecting creation is not harder on me than starting it”

God is generous

God says : “ He who is always remembering me shall be given more than those who ask only when in need

God is sincere

“ Sincerity is a secret of my secrets, bestowed on the hearts of those I am pleased of ”

God condemns injustice

God said:“ Oh my people, I have forbidden injustice upon myself ( to be worshipped with another), and it is a grave sin to be unjust, so don’t be to one another”

----- Whabbisville anyone?

The eternal Battle

Satan said : My Lord, I will remain tempting son of Adam so long as their souls are in their bodies. God said: By my Power and mercy , I will remain forgiving them so long as they ask forgiveness.

--- Thanks be to God

To hear is not as reliable as to examine

God said to Moses after his coming from Sinai : “ Your people have done this and that, He didn’t take it to heart, but when he saw them, he threw the tablets on the floor”

--What else more do we need to examine people?? We keep hearing nasty stuff about us, backed up by evidence ( a must in islam) yet we dismiss is and say that it is a consipiracy , blame it on the jews ! and if we can't we say ohh those meant are not practicing Islam the way they should. But look examineeee… look at the racism, the injustice, the ignorance the sigh….

When God loves you, Good people will too.

The prophet pbuh said : When God Almighty loves a worshiper he calls unto to Gabriel “ Allah has loved so.. so love him, Gabriel Loves him and he calls unto to the heavens: Allah has loved soo and soo so love him. So those in the heavens love him and acceptance from the people of the earth shall be bestowed upon him.

Are we accepted by the people of the earth? Does God love us then? Why not? Think about it.